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J-

I haven't stopped missing you for one single minute since you left. My heart was shattered into a hundred thousand pieces. You made me feel alive. You made me feel whole again. You made me so very happy.

Every day on my way to work I pass that movie parking lot where we sat and talked for hours after we saw Inception. Then we went to the park, and you kissed me for the first time on the hood of my car, remember? I do. I'll never forget it. There were a million stars in the sky that night and the weather was just perfect. We held each other tightly and it felt so good.

I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, because out of the millions of girls on that website, you picked me. And I picked you back. I almost skipped you, but I went back. I knew that for some reason, you were special. I didn't want to give up on you. But I couldn't fight for you when you weren't even willing to fight for yourself.

Remember the last time we saw each other? You promised me it wouldn't be the last. I didn't want to leave because I was so scared I'd pushed you too hard, too far away.

You're right, Norm...I am a smart girl, but I can't fix you. And I'm sorry I tried. I didn't mean to imply you were broken...I just wanted back the boy I fell in love with on that warm September night.

I wish, oh, how I wish, more than that you would actually read this, but that there was a way for you to come back to me. I'll always be waiting, wishing, hoping.

-J

Always Forget the Details

I always remember the good times. I forget the fights, the moments of hurt, the ache. I remember the happy times and those rare, caught-in-the-moment times.

I remember those nights alone with you. 

I remember laying in your bed, just a mattress and boxspring with no frame, in your dark, crowded room. All we had on was the TV. You smelled like boy soap and pot. We would put on clothes with no underwear and get Jimmy John's at four in the morning. Drive to the gas station just to get Gatorade with the dog in the backseat, listening to Matchbox 20. I can still feel the chilly fall air on my face sometimes if I think about it hard enough. I can still hear the leaves crunch under my feet as I walk up your sidewalk. I can remember laying in bed with you. You were groggy, a half-smile on your handsome face. You held me tight and I wrapped my arms around your well-muscled torso. You kissed my forehead and I wondered if it was all real.

You will forget all of this.

You will forget every time I ran my fingers through your hair, every time I grazed the tips of my fingers on your skin. You will forget every kiss, every touch, every laugh we shared. You will forget every episode of our favorite TV show we always watched together.

I wanted so badly for you to be the real deal. I wanted so badly for those late nights to stretch into days and weeks and months and years. But what do they say? Life got in the way.

I miss every minute of it. I miss you. But I had to leave that town and all of its bad memories. Sometimes when I visit, I'll simply drive around the streets at night. Every time I stop at that intersection, I look to the right. Maybe, just maybe, I'll see that hopeful girl and that drunk boy, kissing goodbye for the very first time. 


I especially think of you when it rains. I remember my forehead pressed to the glass of a bus window, passing the building where you had class. The rain dripped off the windows like tears, and I shivered, not because of the cold.


I'm rambling. This has no ending, because it's not the end. Every day is a parade of memories of you. They become fuzzier everyday. But you know. You always forget the details.