It's nothing new, but KFC has invented a sandwich called the Double Down. It's two deep-fried (or grilled, if you're watching your figure) chicken patties, and sandwiched in between those are slices of cheese, bacon, and sauce. That's a sandwich. Like, the meat is the bread. It clocks in at a whopping 1,380 calories (you're supposed to have about 2,000 a day) and basically it's representative of how gluttonous and gross and fat our society has become. We're such calorie-obsessed, disgusting gluttons that we've actually invented a sandwich that can induce a stroke just by thinking about it.
Foreigners are always quick to point out the "McDonaldization" of the globe that has happened at the hands of Americans. We've taken everything that's nasty and artery-clogging about our nation and are polluting other nations' pure, clean existence with our smog, Nikes, and hot, tasty french fries. It's been a low grumbling for years, but it came to a shout when the Double Down was released. America's really done it now, they said.
I thought so, too, at first. I even tried the sandwich. It's not bad, but I only made it through half of it before I started crying tears of grease out of my eyeballs.
But you know what? America is not only about fast food and cheap, greasy meals. That isn't all that defines us. Yes, we do love a meal that only cost us $5 for a grease-stained sack of fries and burger that includes a gigantic drink, but that meal represents the greater American work ethic. We work our tails off from nine to five so that we've earned that right to drive our gas-guzzling SUVs through the drive-thru and enlarge our carbon footprint by doing so.
Every person who lives in this great nation is proud to be here, even the most begrudging ones. Tell me you've never teared up when the national anthem is played at the Olympics. Tell me you don't always root for the American competitor, even if you don't know who the hell he is. Tell me you aren't proud as hell when fireworks are going off and it's the fourth of July. Sure, we didn't invent fireworks or hot dogs or even ice cream, but we will eat and blast ALL of those off in the name of celebrating our country.
Yeah, we do a lot of things wrong, but for such an infantile country, we sure as hell do a lot of things right. Who cares if that car you drive was assembled and entirely made in China? The automobile was invented right here in the good ol' US of A. Other nations scoff at us for not "being green" and walking or taking public transportation, but every single American knows that we here in this fine country have a long tradition of cars, whether it means making them here or just hoping on the road for a trip. We buckle our seatbelts and put on our turn signals knowing that we're damn proud to own these cars. The men who made them are proud to be in unions, and they were proud to work for fine American companies.
We will get in our big, giant cars, and we will go to the Starbucks drive-thru in the morning. Call us greedy for going to our big money-making jobs, but we know we worked our asses off in college to get that degree. And part of that college experience was going to football and basketball games, and drinking too much beer and cheap vodka. Feeling like you were a part of something every time they played the national anthem or sang the school fight song. Isn't that why we do all of that?
Maybe other nations come together, but no nation can come together like the United States. We can be united in our love or hatred. This whole entire week, Republicans and Democrats have been fighting over a debt ceiling and divided over debt in general, yet not a single person wasn't standing on their feet with thunderous applause as Rep. Gabrielle Giffords proudly walked into Congress to cast her vote.
You can take bits of our skulls, but never our spirits. You can tumble our buildings, hijack our planes, threaten us, hate us, but you can never take that burning, searing flame of hope that every single American has burning down deep inside of them. When our great country is threatened, you'd better hold on, because we will come together faster than you can even imagine.
That brings me back to my original point of KFC. Here is a quintessentially American business, a fast-food joint that mass-produces fattening food. But that right there is the American dream. We work our butts off so that we can have someone else prepare our meals. And when someone else does prepare that food, we would like to know it's a zitty-faced teenager preparing foods that we know and love so that he can earn minimum wages and someday contribute to the great American hamster wheel of Capitalism.
And it just isn't fast food hamburgers. America is open roads and country music. It's jazz music, R&B music, Motown music, and all kinds of music. It's Hitsville USA, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Times Square, and the Golden Gate bridge. It's the assembly lines of Detroit, the steel mills of Gary, the cotton fields of Mississippi, and the skyscrapers of New York City. It's the Hoover Dam and the glittering lights of Las Vegas. It's playgrounds and swingsets and classrooms and teachers. It's students and colleges, guitars and drums. It's baseball, football, tailgating, and beer. It's waving the flag, lighting fireworks, riding a rollercoaster. But it's so much more than the physical trappings. It's getting your hands dirty. It's overcoming, over-doing it, and over-thinking it. It's that feeling of coming together and being part of something that's bigger than yourself. It's knowing that 50 years ago, black people were fighting for the right to be recognized as true citizens. Now a black man is our president. It's knowing that despite the tragedy that occurs, there is still happiness and hope and belief that we will overcome. America isn't the most religious nation in the world because people cling to the belief that a deity can solve their problems. No, this isn't a nation of blind trust and blind faith. We believe, every single one of us, because we were raised to know that something bigger than ourselves will always be there to take care of us.
We aren't just beer, brats, and Sunday afternoon football. We don't paint our faces to look like idiots. We don't eat sandwiches simply because they have almost fourteen hundred calories in them. We do that all because it's the American way. Yeah, we WILL put a boot in your ass. It may be stamped "Made in China", but you can bet your ass the foot connected to it is pure, 100% American bred-and-born.
How a sandwich from a restaurant chain could possibly represent every aspect of the American spirit is probably beyond most people. But the American dream is just that: maybe you can't envision it, but someone else will, and they'll put it in your hands. And every drop of their blood, sweat, and tears is in that product in your hands, even if it is just a greasy fast food menu item. But to every American, their dream is an important part of our nation's fabric. We all come together to form one big, beautiful thing. Maybe we don't have all the original ideas, but we have the drive and passion to make the ones we do have come to fruition.
The KFC Double Down isn't our greatest achievement. It isn't even our best idea. But that's OK. We've got plenty to be proud of. :)
