I find the concept of abstinence until marriage completely ridiculous. I want to punch people who say they're "saving themselves". Ok. If you're genuinely religious and that's your bag, then go for it. I'll never hate on people who stick to their convictions and are seriously, legitimately invested in what they believe in. But I can guarantee that 90% of idiots who spew off that they're saving themselves until marriage are just spouting off the party line.
Like I said, if you're religious and genuinely believe that saving yourself is the best option, then bravo for sticking to your guns. But all I ask is that you do your research and make sure that it's the best option for you.
67% of all high schoolers will lose their virginity before they have a diploma in their hand. The age that most of them choose to cash in their v-card is sixteen. Most people do not possess a huge amount of reasoning or logical thinking at the age of 16. At sixteen, I had braces and what can best be described as a mullet for a haircut that I very, very mistakenly believed to be a fashionable shaggy bob. I wore stupid, ironic t-shirts, ugly plastic bracelets, and jeans with rips in them. I drove my grandma's 1992 Plymouth Sundance, worked as a busser at Damon's Grill and I thought I knew everything in the whole world. I was a complete insufferable know-it-all. If I met my sixteen-year-old self now, I'd hate me. Mostly for all of those reasons, but because I made so many stupid decisions when I was that age. I don't regret a lot of anything in my life, but if I could go back and at the very least educate myself about something, it would be sex and the levity of whom you lose your virginity to.
I'm not even lying when I say that at age sixteen, absolutely everything I knew about sex was either from my friends around the lunch table or Cosmopolitan sex articles. I was the very last of my group of friends to get my cherry popped, and in a hurry to catch up to everyone, I foisted my v-card off on the first dude who expressed interest in more than just tepid make-out sessions. I haven't talked to him in about 5 years now, so that shows you just how close we still are and how meaningful my first time was. In the years since, I've been with not a million guys, but it's a higher number than I care to admit. I can honestly say that maybe 3 of them have actually mattered to me. The rest were drunken mistakes or idiocy because I naively thought that fucking someone would strengthen the relationship (or be the stepping stone for a relationship, in some cases).
I'm not saying I had some ah-ha moment of realization or that I came to some reckoning about sex or whatever. I possess no soapbox here. What I'm trying to say is that I wish I wouldn't have been so fast and loose with whom I jumped into bed with. I wish I had been more educated. I don't want to get sappy, but sex is a big deal. It's an emotional thing. It isn't something to be taken lightly. No one has ever had sex without getting some kind of emotional attachment. If you say you have, you're lying. There's absolutely nothing wrong with more than one sexual partner, but people (girls in particular) need to realize that they have to be more choosy about it. So, this is the advice I wish someone would have given the idiot sixteen-year-old me.
- First of all, don't do it because all of your friends are. Do it because YOU want to, not because your boyfriend is pressuring you (if he is, dump his ass, because it's not going to get better once you fuck him) or because you're sick of being a virgin when everyone isn't around you. Make sure it's a decision you want for yourself, and no one else.
- Learn some basics. Get the Google machine going and look up some basic facts on sex. There's no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to something you've never done before. I know it sounds dumb, but some people really have no idea actually how to have sex. Watch porn. Aside from the fake tits and fake cum shots, it's actually a relatively good visual on what actually goes on during sex, oral sex, etc. You're gonna learn how to do stuff mostly by trial-and-error, but at least you'll know what to expect.
- Again, Google some facts on STDs and protection. Sex Ed in schools is abysmal at best, so do it yourself. I know it's asking waaaaaay too much for kids to go to a Planned Parenthood or free clinic and get tested or get themselves birth control, so just knowing what's out there is fine for now. Besides, most sixteen year olds are virgins anyways, so there isn't really too great of a need to get tested. Also, asking your parent about birth control is an utterly terrifying thing. I'm nearly 23 years old, and I still wouldn't discuss it with my mom without turning purple with embarrassment. Most kids won't talk to their parents, so it's up to the parents to talk to them. But the sad thing is, parents are just as terrified to talk to their kids about sex as their kids are to talk to them. My point is, Google will tell you what you need to know if you go to the right sites. The Planned Parenthood website, SexEd Library, avert.org and scarleteen.com are all good websites to visit for solid, scientific, unbiased facts. Someone's myspace (who even has those anymore, anyways?) is not a solid fact basis for sex information. Your best friend Amy who's had sex a grand total of four times is not a source for sex education that you should be consulting. Sure, your friends are good for "how does it feel?" type of questions, but not facts.
- It's one thing to know about protection, but it's another thing entirely to know how to properly use it. Like I said, don't be afraid to ask the dumb questions. You're not stupid if you don't know how to put on a condom or how birth control pills work. Don't ask your friends. Seriously, they're idiots and they're just as inexperienced as you. Just suck it up and ask someone if you have a burning question. You're going to have to ask how to do things every once in awhile in your life. And also, don't be too embarrassed to buy condoms. Don't shoplift them. It's a crime, and you'll get caught. Even though we (me and my friends) all did it, just don't. Go to Walmart or Meijer at like 3 AM and use a self-scan so no one sees you. Five minutes of shame is better than a teen pregnancy. Puts it into perspective, eh?
- It's kind of silly (now) to plan sex, but you almost have to the first time you do it. One, don't do it in a car. No one's first time should be in a car. Do it in a bed. And not your parents', it's disrespectful to fuck in someone else's bed. Do it in your own bed. And it shouldn't be rushed, either. Pick a time when you know your parents won't be home for awhile so you can concentrate on the fact at hand and not worry about them walking in on you. Have whatever form of protection ready to go. Light candles if you must, but I'd actually recommend listening to music. It takes the edge off, and no one wants to have sex in silence at that age. You can't get into it and get in the moment the way sexually experienced people can. Don't try any fancy shit, either, missionary position is fine. And for the love of mike, do NOT flush the condom down the toilet when you're done.
- Don't have any huge expectations. The first time for girls is awkward even if you're with someone you love, and it feels about as good as getting a stack of books dropped on your head. It will feel good in time, but not the first few times. A lot of girls bleed when their hymen is broken, so that adds to the freak-out level. But, like all things in life, it gets better. Especially if you're with a partner that you care about, and who reciprocates the feeling.
- Which leads me to my most vital point. All of my previous points are moot if you don't follow this piece of advice. You need to lose your virginity to someone you deeply care about. I don't use the word love because no one knows what that means when they're sixteen. But if you say it to your boyfriend, then at the very least, you care about them and hold them in esteem. I hate when people make a big deal about losing it, like your virginity is some precious flower blah blah blah. Yes, it's a big deal, but it's not the most important decision you'll ever make in your life. Just make sure that it's someone who, if you look back in ten years, you won't regret giving it up to them. You only lose it once, so make sure it's someone who's worth it.
Full disclosure, it's been a long time for me (personal choice), and I was thinking the other day, going awhile without it kind of almost feels like being a virgin all over again. I, of course, have extraneous reasons for being wary of sex, but the main point is, I look at it differently now. I know that I need to be more picky about who I bang. I need to be comfortable with them, I need to care about them, trust them, be in a relationship with them. In short, everything that I should have adhered to when I was actually losing it all those years ago.
Since I feel like a virgin all over again, I'm just going to go ahead and declare this to be my second virginity. Because I've never actually done it with someone whom I've been in a committed relationship with, whom I loved, that it was a mutual, loving decision that felt right. I guess because I've never really been in a decent relationship to start with, but it's always been because I felt like I needed to, or to appease them, or whatever. But this time, I'm not giving it up till I've found someone I know is right for me. I'm sticking to my guns this time. Every time I feel like I've been given a second lease on things, I want to do them right.
I wish every teenage girl could read this. But if I even change one girl's mind or educate her in the slightest, then I'll be happy.
Looking for Mr. Right Round Two. If I don't find him, I'll settle for Mr. Good Enough with my new and improved outlook on life. :)
