Everything Changes, Doesn't It Baby?

Today, I went into Border's. If you've been living under a rock or are somehow blind to the signs in 490-point font plastered all over the building, it's closing. The entire chain of Borders is going out of business, bankrupt and foreclosed. Borders was once a giant; much like in You've Got Mail, Borders was the Fox Books that stomped all over mom-and-pop bookstores like the Shop Around the Corner. They were once palaces of books, music, and movies, massive stores chocked full of everything ever printed, recorded, and filmed. Bookstores were one of those things everyone thought was recession-proof: even if we didn't have two dimes to rub together, we'd still read, right? Wrong. Borders took a big gamble when they didn't immediately jump on the eReader bandwagon. They were the very last bookstore to cling onto selling CDs when digital downloads are at an all-time high. When the unemployment line was wrapped around the block, Borders seemingly snubbed their nose at this; continuing to sell books at full price. Glossy hardcover tomes sat unsold on the once-proud shelves of Borders as Amazon sold the Kindle for $114 and Barnes and Noble wisely downsized the number of stores they had. And now, finally, the drain has been pulled. Borders has had the final nail slammed into their coffin, just another casualty of the ruthless economic downward spiral our country has been plunged into.

It's part of a bigger picture. Borders going out of business isn't just a byproduct of a bad economy. I've felt the effects of that; losing my job at the restaurant hit a little too close to home for me. I know nothing is a constant today; nothing can truly be counted on as a surefire business opportunity. Stores and restaurants are closing left and right, and occupations that everyone always thought were recession-proof are becoming spare, and everyone's always afraid and nervous that they're going to be next; that they're going to lost their job, or their house, or that gas will shoot up again and they'll be forced to choose between driving and paying bills. It's so odd to be experiencing this. As a child of the nineties, I grew up in a time of relative economic prosperity. No one worried about high gas prices or losing their homes. If you turned on the news, you didn't hear words like "recession" and "unemployment" and "foreclosure". It was just a very different time.

I wonder if this is just all part of growing up? Do places that you couldn't imagine living without go out of business? Do some storefronts become other things? As I was driving down 135 this evening, I tried to think about what used to be what. Acapulco Joe's (now out of business) was Piper's. Walton Dentistry was a clock repair shop. Luca Pizza di Roma was Boston Market. AutoZone was Blockbuster and many things didn't even exist, like all the apartment complexes, the Starbucks, Panda Express, Menards, Home Depot, and Chik-fil-a. It's like whiting out things on a piece of paper and writing in other things, then forgetting what you whited out in the first place. It's hard to imagine the landscape without things like Meijer, but there was once a time when it wasn't there. Will I just grow used to Border's not being there? It seems so hard to imagine.

I wanted to go to Border's because I wanted to go there one last time. But before I even walked in the door, I regretted it. I saw a few people carrying out a bookshelf and loading it into a minivan. It wasn't bad enough that the store was closing, that they had to rip the very foundations of the building up? I opened the door and instinctively looked to the right, where they always had bargain books and other books of interest. During Christmas, they always had trees there. Now, there were badly Xeroxed fliers advertising things for sale like the cash registers and even the damned boiler. It was like all pretense had been abandoned and no one cared anymore. I was surprised that there weren't fliers in the bathroom advertising that the toilets were for sale as well.

I walked around the store, taking it all in. Gone were the racks and racks of magazines, the coffee shop had been dismantled, and the entire contents of the store were clustered in a few shelves in the center of the store. I walked over to where the kids section used to be, and all that was left of it was the outer spaced patterned carpet. There was a ring of dust around the border of the carpet where they had removed the three wide, flat steps that kids could sit on. I just stopped dead in my tracks. It was an empty, blank space. Although it was brightly lit, it was very dim to me. I can't even describe what I was feeling right then. I had so many happy, shining memories of that place, and seeing it like that broke my heart. That's not how I wanted to remember it: broken down and useless, bits of it being carted off like items at a gypsy fair.

I can remember being so happy there, feeling so safe and tucked away from the world, curled up with a book on those steps. The thing I associate most with Borders is Harry Potter. Harry Potter's world was my world, I was safe there. Harry was a friend when I often felt like I had none. If Harry was my friend, then Borders was the playground where we played together. It was like waking up and finding out that playground had been demolished.

I supposed it's all relative. It's all about growing up. When you're young, you can't wait to grow up. But as you get older, you realize those were the best times of your life. This happens to everyone I suppose, but no one tells you just how hard growing up is. No one tells you how sad it is.

I know it seems silly to be sad about a bookstore, but I guess I never thought that such a huge part of my childhood would be gone. But I won't remember Borders that way. In my mind, it's always going to be a bright, happy place full of books and music; a place that made me exceptionally happy for a large chunk of my life. Yes, it's gone the way of floppy discs, videocassettes, and Paramount's affiliation with Kings Island, but all of those things, they still exist in my memories. And that is one thing that a floundering economy and burgeoning adulthood can never take away. 

They can place all of the nails in the coffin of my childhood that they want, but I know I'll always be a kid at heart. A kid curled up with a book at Borders, at that. :)

Nothing's Perfect, But it's Worth it

I heard something really interesting today. It was actually on the Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is a great show, but I hate how every script of every show is basically one giant PSA. And I hate the sounds the buttons on their cell phones make. Real cellphone buttons don't sound like that. Real cellphone buttons don't actually have a sound at all, nowadays. And I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong with Beverly Mitchell's eyes. Are they crossed, or is one fake...I just don't know. Well ANYWAYS, in this week's episode, she corners Jack and they're having this whole huge conversation about how he can't get over Grace and she's the one and she's the only one he'll ever love, blah blah blah. But Beverly the cross-eyed counselor that completely oversteps her boundaries as a high school counselor said something really interesting: she said that maybe Grace is the one for him, maybe they'll meet up again one day, but then again, maybe there's a really lucky girl waiting out there for him. The underlying message in all of that (according to my interpretation, anyways) is that "you can be hung up on someone all you want. Maybe you'll meet up again in life, maybe you won't. But the most important thing to keep in mind is that you're a wonderful person and you deserve someone equally as wonderful, and you never know who could be out there. So if you're tied up with so-and-so in the past in your mind, you can never be with someone new in the present."

BOOM. I know this shit. I know it like the back of both of my hands, and my feet. But why is it just now hitting me like a two-ton stack of shitbricks?

I guess I just don't know. I don't know a whole lot of a lot, but I feel like I've gotten a deluge of information since I've come home from being away at college. IU was supposed to be a bastion of lessons learned. I guess it was, in a way, but I feel like everything that happened there was a total clusterfuck, and I'm just now smoothing out the wrinkles. But that's life, isn't it? Trainwreck now, clean up later. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and wiser. I can see how things are going to fit together before the actually do fit together. I don't act first, ask questions later like I did when I was younger. I'm more cautious and less promiscuous. Much less, heh. Maybe that makes all the difference?

My main point is that the past needs to stay in the past. There's a reason why people in your past didn't make it to the present, right? Or am I nuts in thinking that people like ERL are going to come back into my life once more? Even if it's 1 day, 1 month, 1 year or 10 years from now, I have this intrinsic feeling that he'll come back into my life in some way. I don't hold any silly reservations that we'll have a Meg Ryan-like fairy tale ending where he sweeps me off of my feet in Central Park, but I do think he'll come back into my life.

Let's try and examine this in a semi-logical way: I met ERL when I was 19, and I'm 22 now. That's coming up on 3 solid years I've known him, loved him, whatever. I feel like I've dissected my love for him so thoroughly at this point that it's almost overdone. But anyways, three years. I don't want to say wasted, but I've spent so much time pining over him that I've probably held myself back from others. Those are three years of my life I won't get back.

ERL, he never deserved me. He didn't even deserve half of me. I will never, ever as long as I live, forget the way that he made me feel. One won't ever forget the first person they loved. How can you? I think I've just been confused. I think I've been confusing that first love feeling with "I'm not good enough for anyone but him". It's a bad, icky mentality to have, and I've unfortunately fallen trap to it. But I'm seeing the light now. Really, I truly am. I promise. No more pining for ERL because, honestly....there's no point. It'd be like eating spoiled mayonnaise on a sandwich....gross and wrong, and potentially bad for your health. Today is a new day, a new month, and a new leaf is being turned over.....it's all about me and my well-being, not worrying about shit that happened 3 goddamned years ago and analyzing and over-analyzing it to death. I just can't do it anymore; I've hit the wall with him--I don't hold feelings of animosity. I just don't care anymore. It's faded enough into the past that I can look back with fondness and not worry about 'what if.' Yes, he was a huge part of my life, but he needs to stop dictating my present and future decisions. I know I've said it a billion and one times, but there will never be anyone quite like him--but that's a good thing. I really mean it this time.

The thing that stuns me even about myself is that through everything, not just this but all the bananas shit that's happened in my life, I've retained my hope for love. I really and truly have never given up. Even after the worst heartbreak, I've always known that there was a better tomorrow, a new horizon out there. And I hope this will never be taken from me. Cynicism isn't all it's cracked up to be. I believe in love, but I have a tainted view of it. Mumford and Sons puts it well: And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. It's so true...I know, just know that there will come a time when I can see love from the other side of the rose-colored glasses. I can feel it, like it's so close I can almost taste it. It's just a little bit out of my grasp.

As Sydney says (among the many, many wise things she utters) when the time is right, you'll know. You'll know in your heart of hearts when the right person comes along. There IS going to be a time when love doesn't break my heart. It's done nothing but that so far, but I know...I know there's someone out there who will mend it all and make everything all better. I don't need someone to mend my broken heart...but rather fill in the tiny little holes that have been chipped away. Make it a beautiful heart. It's already a whole one. I've got friends and family and all the love in the world, a roof over my head, food to eat, and many beautiful things that I'm very blessed to have. My heart is just fine. I just need someone to make it glow. Kind of like a nightlight.

I've written about perspective before, and how just looking at something differently can make all the world of difference. But the full impact of that hasn't hit me until now. Everything can be made to look good if you look at it in a different way, but it's got to truly mean something to you. It's kind of oddly hilarious that a stupid, poorly written and even more poorly acted television drama would make me realize that, but you know. The Force works in mysterious ways.

And coming back to the 'right person' mantra...I also think that all of my other issues, all those fears and reservations that I have...I also think those will melt away when the right person comes along. I really do. They're pretty huge things to overcome, but I think they'll take a backseat. I think to the right person---they won't be a roadblock to the relationship. I really believe in this with all of my heart. I do.

It's all gonna be alright. It's all gonna work out. It's like I've been completing a million-piece puzzle and I'm getting down to the last hundred pieces or so. An end is in sight. I feel it deep down in my bones.

There's so much more to say, everything's all a garbled mess in my brain. My thoughts, work, school, tests and quizzes, they're all interwoven with the present, and the past. A tall, blonde guy who's always going to have a piece of my heart. A man with "beautiful aqua eyes", and a [[certain]] redhead. What does it all MEAN?? I don't even know. I'm just going to go wash my hair and then go to class.

And that right there...that's all the difference. I'mma just do me...and let everything else fall into place. :)