I heard something really interesting today. It was actually on the Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is a great show, but I hate how every script of every show is basically one giant PSA. And I hate the sounds the buttons on their cell phones make. Real cellphone buttons don't sound like that. Real cellphone buttons don't actually have a sound at all, nowadays. And I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong with Beverly Mitchell's eyes. Are they crossed, or is one fake...I just don't know. Well ANYWAYS, in this week's episode, she corners Jack and they're having this whole huge conversation about how he can't get over Grace and she's the one and she's the only one he'll ever love, blah blah blah. But Beverly the cross-eyed counselor that completely oversteps her boundaries as a high school counselor said something really interesting: she said that maybe Grace is the one for him, maybe they'll meet up again one day, but then again, maybe there's a really lucky girl waiting out there for him. The underlying message in all of that (according to my interpretation, anyways) is that "you can be hung up on someone all you want. Maybe you'll meet up again in life, maybe you won't. But the most important thing to keep in mind is that you're a wonderful person and you deserve someone equally as wonderful, and you never know who could be out there. So if you're tied up with so-and-so in the past in your mind, you can never be with someone new in the present."
BOOM. I know this shit. I know it like the back of both of my hands, and my feet. But why is it just now hitting me like a two-ton stack of shitbricks?
I guess I just don't know. I don't know a whole lot of a lot, but I feel like I've gotten a deluge of information since I've come home from being away at college. IU was supposed to be a bastion of lessons learned. I guess it was, in a way, but I feel like everything that happened there was a total clusterfuck, and I'm just now smoothing out the wrinkles. But that's life, isn't it? Trainwreck now, clean up later. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and wiser. I can see how things are going to fit together before the actually do fit together. I don't act first, ask questions later like I did when I was younger. I'm more cautious and less promiscuous. Much less, heh. Maybe that makes all the difference?
My main point is that the past needs to stay in the past. There's a reason why people in your past didn't make it to the present, right? Or am I nuts in thinking that people like ERL are going to come back into my life once more? Even if it's 1 day, 1 month, 1 year or 10 years from now, I have this intrinsic feeling that he'll come back into my life in some way. I don't hold any silly reservations that we'll have a Meg Ryan-like fairy tale ending where he sweeps me off of my feet in Central Park, but I do think he'll come back into my life.
Let's try and examine this in a semi-logical way: I met ERL when I was 19, and I'm 22 now. That's coming up on 3 solid years I've known him, loved him, whatever. I feel like I've dissected my love for him so thoroughly at this point that it's almost overdone. But anyways, three years. I don't want to say wasted, but I've spent so much time pining over him that I've probably held myself back from others. Those are three years of my life I won't get back.
ERL, he never deserved me. He didn't even deserve half of me. I will never, ever as long as I live, forget the way that he made me feel. One won't ever forget the first person they loved. How can you? I think I've just been confused. I think I've been confusing that first love feeling with "I'm not good enough for anyone but him". It's a bad, icky mentality to have, and I've unfortunately fallen trap to it. But I'm seeing the light now. Really, I truly am. I promise. No more pining for ERL because, honestly....there's no point. It'd be like eating spoiled mayonnaise on a sandwich....gross and wrong, and potentially bad for your health. Today is a new day, a new month, and a new leaf is being turned over.....it's all about me and my well-being, not worrying about shit that happened 3 goddamned years ago and analyzing and over-analyzing it to death. I just can't do it anymore; I've hit the wall with him--I don't hold feelings of animosity. I just don't care anymore. It's faded enough into the past that I can look back with fondness and not worry about 'what if.' Yes, he was a huge part of my life, but he needs to stop dictating my present and future decisions. I know I've said it a billion and one times, but there will never be anyone quite like him--but that's a good thing. I really mean it this time.
The thing that stuns me even about myself is that through everything, not just this but all the bananas shit that's happened in my life, I've retained my hope for love. I really and truly have never given up. Even after the worst heartbreak, I've always known that there was a better tomorrow, a new horizon out there. And I hope this will never be taken from me. Cynicism isn't all it's cracked up to be. I believe in love, but I have a tainted view of it. Mumford and Sons puts it well: And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. It's so true...I know, just know that there will come a time when I can see love from the other side of the rose-colored glasses. I can feel it, like it's so close I can almost taste it. It's just a little bit out of my grasp.
As Sydney says (among the many, many wise things she utters) when the time is right, you'll know. You'll know in your heart of hearts when the right person comes along. There IS going to be a time when love doesn't break my heart. It's done nothing but that so far, but I know...I know there's someone out there who will mend it all and make everything all better. I don't need someone to mend my broken heart...but rather fill in the tiny little holes that have been chipped away. Make it a beautiful heart. It's already a whole one. I've got friends and family and all the love in the world, a roof over my head, food to eat, and many beautiful things that I'm very blessed to have. My heart is just fine. I just need someone to make it glow. Kind of like a nightlight.
I've written about perspective before, and how just looking at something differently can make all the world of difference. But the full impact of that hasn't hit me until now. Everything can be made to look good if you look at it in a different way, but it's got to truly mean something to you. It's kind of oddly hilarious that a stupid, poorly written and even more poorly acted television drama would make me realize that, but you know. The Force works in mysterious ways.
And coming back to the 'right person' mantra...I also think that all of my other issues, all those fears and reservations that I have...I also think those will melt away when the right person comes along. I really do. They're pretty huge things to overcome, but I think they'll take a backseat. I think to the right person---they won't be a roadblock to the relationship. I really believe in this with all of my heart. I do.
It's all gonna be alright. It's all gonna work out. It's like I've been completing a million-piece puzzle and I'm getting down to the last hundred pieces or so. An end is in sight. I feel it deep down in my bones.
There's so much more to say, everything's all a garbled mess in my brain. My thoughts, work, school, tests and quizzes, they're all interwoven with the present, and the past. A tall, blonde guy who's always going to have a piece of my heart. A man with "beautiful aqua eyes", and a [[certain]] redhead. What does it all MEAN?? I don't even know. I'm just going to go wash my hair and then go to class.
And that right there...that's all the difference. I'mma just do me...and let everything else fall into place. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment