You asked me to let you know how I feel, so here it goes.
I'm hurting. I'm broken. I've never felt so hurt and alone and upset in my life. I feel as though something inside of me has died, and I can't stop crying.
My heart is in too many pieces to count. I feel as though you've taken your gun and shot me, straight in the chest. I don't know when or how I will heal, but I'm just going to close my eyes and try to get through tonight.
You are my refuge. When the world stops turning, I cling to you. When my heart hurts, you make it better. When I'm scared and alone and vulnerable, you're there to protect me. When I frown, you make me smile. When I'm not sure I can go on, you're there to hold my hand and make sure I get through one more day. When my body hurts as much as my heart does, you're there with your hand on that spot on my neck rubbing away all of my hurts and aches.
I trust you above all people in this world. And now you're the one who has broken me. What do I do now? I try and turn to you but you hold me at arms' length with cold indifference.
So she beat me to the punch. I can't compete with 12 years. I can't compete with her and I don't want to. It hurts too much to not be good enough for you. I don't want to think about that.
I want to think about that first night I knew I had fallen for you. It was a long time ago. We were laying on my driveway and looking up at the stars, talking about everything under the moon. I heard a noise, and grabbed your hand in fright. You squeezed my fingers back and assured me everything was fine. I knew then that you'd always be there to protect me from whatever scared me, whether it be internal or otherwise. I knew when I was with you, nothing bad could happen. Safe and sound.
I want that back. I want to be that girl on that driveway again. I was younger, braver, less jaded. I didn't have quite so many reasons to hurt.
I'll leave you with this: I love you. I have for a very long time and I wish I would have told you sooner. I wish I would have known sooner, then maybe these tears blurring my eyes right now wouldn't be tears at all.
I'll be fine. I'll be ok. Don't worry about me.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
If You Ask Me, I'm Ready
Things are a bit weird. School is over and I don't really know what to do with my free time. I bought a coloring book and maybe I'll get Netflix. Just kidding, just got Netflix. WOOHOO!
I'm in a bit of a weird place. This is happening, it's really happening. I don't have a name for it, or a rhyme or reason, but it's there and it exists and it's...wonderful.
I used to have a place, this place on the edge of my pillow that was my place of comfort, it was my refuge from the world. The covers pulled up around by neck, that was the place where no thing or person could harm me.
For so long now, I've been taking care of me and not letting anyone in to help me deal with my pain. It's so scary to imagine someone else being there for me to lean on. I'm so afraid that I'll need them too much and I won't be able to give them enough in return.
There was once a bed, in a room with a window that moonlight shone through. There were sheets, and our bodies were wrapped up in them as we slept. That boy that lay there with me in that bed, I wanted him so badly. I wanted him so badly I would have gone to any lengths for him. I loved him so much I forgot to love myself. But I'm better now. That boy is a million miles away. I don't even know that girl anymore, that girl who loved him so much and was willing to give up so much for him. He is gone forever and so is she.
There's a new bed now, new sheets, in a new room. And there's a new spot. There is a different pair of arms to hold me, a pair of arms that feels so impossibly good. My ankles entwine with his and I bury my head in his chest and I forget about everything. I forget about everything but that bed and this boy who is holding me, keeping me warm and safe and sound. I forget there is a world outside that room, that there are cars and people and buildings and businesses beyond those four walls. I want to live in that moment forever.
I don't want to think about who I used to be in love with, or who he's in love with, or college or kids or graduating or when this will end, or if it will, or anything. For once in my life, all I want to think about is this very moment. I don't want to think about anything else. His skin pressed up against mine, my fingers through his hair, his hands touching parts of me I didn't ever want touched. But he is the one who pulled me through the fog. His hands belong in those long forbidden places. Wonderful sensations fill every part of my body, from head to my toes, and I think, this is how it should have been. This is what the first time is supposed to feel like.
This has no ending because it's just beginning. This is only the start. But I'm ready.
I'm in a bit of a weird place. This is happening, it's really happening. I don't have a name for it, or a rhyme or reason, but it's there and it exists and it's...wonderful.
I used to have a place, this place on the edge of my pillow that was my place of comfort, it was my refuge from the world. The covers pulled up around by neck, that was the place where no thing or person could harm me.
For so long now, I've been taking care of me and not letting anyone in to help me deal with my pain. It's so scary to imagine someone else being there for me to lean on. I'm so afraid that I'll need them too much and I won't be able to give them enough in return.
There was once a bed, in a room with a window that moonlight shone through. There were sheets, and our bodies were wrapped up in them as we slept. That boy that lay there with me in that bed, I wanted him so badly. I wanted him so badly I would have gone to any lengths for him. I loved him so much I forgot to love myself. But I'm better now. That boy is a million miles away. I don't even know that girl anymore, that girl who loved him so much and was willing to give up so much for him. He is gone forever and so is she.
There's a new bed now, new sheets, in a new room. And there's a new spot. There is a different pair of arms to hold me, a pair of arms that feels so impossibly good. My ankles entwine with his and I bury my head in his chest and I forget about everything. I forget about everything but that bed and this boy who is holding me, keeping me warm and safe and sound. I forget there is a world outside that room, that there are cars and people and buildings and businesses beyond those four walls. I want to live in that moment forever.
I don't want to think about who I used to be in love with, or who he's in love with, or college or kids or graduating or when this will end, or if it will, or anything. For once in my life, all I want to think about is this very moment. I don't want to think about anything else. His skin pressed up against mine, my fingers through his hair, his hands touching parts of me I didn't ever want touched. But he is the one who pulled me through the fog. His hands belong in those long forbidden places. Wonderful sensations fill every part of my body, from head to my toes, and I think, this is how it should have been. This is what the first time is supposed to feel like.
This has no ending because it's just beginning. This is only the start. But I'm ready.
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