All Those Fairy Tales Are Full of Shit

You asked me to let you know how I feel, so here it goes.

I'm hurting. I'm broken. I've never felt so hurt and alone and upset in my life. I feel as though something inside of me has died, and I can't stop crying.

My heart is in too many pieces to count. I feel as though you've taken your gun and shot me, straight in the chest. I don't know when or how I will heal, but I'm just going to close my eyes and try to get through tonight.

You are my refuge. When the world stops turning, I cling to you. When my heart hurts, you make it better. When I'm scared and alone and vulnerable, you're there to protect me. When I frown, you make me smile. When I'm not sure I can go on, you're there to hold my hand and make sure I get through one more day. When my body hurts as much as my heart does, you're there with your hand on that spot on my neck rubbing away all of my hurts and aches.

I trust you above all people in this world. And now you're the one who has broken me. What do I do now? I try and turn to you but you hold me at arms' length with cold indifference.

So she beat me to the punch. I can't compete with 12 years. I can't compete with her and I don't want to. It hurts too much to not be good enough for you. I don't want to think about that.

I want to think about that first night I knew I had fallen for you. It was a long time ago. We were laying on my driveway and looking up at the stars, talking about everything under the moon. I heard a noise, and grabbed your hand in fright. You squeezed my fingers back and assured me everything was fine. I knew then that you'd always be there to protect me from whatever scared me, whether it be internal or otherwise. I knew when I was with you, nothing bad could happen. Safe and sound.

I want that back. I want to be that girl on that driveway again. I was younger, braver, less jaded. I didn't have quite so many reasons to hurt.

I'll leave you with this: I love you. I have for a very long time and I wish I would have told you sooner. I wish I would have known sooner, then maybe these tears blurring my eyes right now wouldn't be tears at all.

I'll be fine. I'll be ok. Don't worry about me.