Replay

I met you five years ago today. I was certain, that on that night, that you were the most wonderful man I had ever met and that we were going to be In Love and Get Married and Live Happily Ever After. Ahem.

Obviously, none of those things even remotely happened, and the reality of the situation is that I was a slightly buzzed nineteen-year-old, and you were a drunk, lost and confused twenty-one-year-old. We were two desperately lonely people looking for comfort in an environment ill-suited for anything other than getting drunk on cheap beer.

But it meant something to me. It really did. Those years I spent loving you had a really profound impact on my life. And regardless of how I feel now, they're are irrevocably etched into my brain. I wouldn't take them back. I spent so many years wishing and hoping and praying that something, anything, any miracle of any kind would bring you back to me that I could probably literally add years onto my life.

Nothing ever happened.

I understand now that was for a reason. I've said before that when something is right in your life, all the pain and wrong makes sense. Well, it all makes sense now. It was preparing me to be a stronger person for him.

He is wonderful. He is truly the other half of my heart. I would be lost without him. He completes me in a way that I never realized was possible; a part of me that I didn't even know I was missing until he came along. We fit together like puzzle pieces. He is, to borrow a line from Twilight (I know), everything I never knew I needed and everything I would have asked for, had I knew myself well enough to know what I needed. We operate like a well-oiled machine. We take care of each other, when one is down, the other is up, doing everything in their power to make sure the other gets what they need. I used to think that the person who was right for me would make me feel so at peace. But instead, he energizes me, he makes me excited to wake up in the morning, excited to conquer life's next adventure, because I know, that from now until forever, he is by my side to take on the world with me. He is my equal, my lover, my partner in crime, my teammate, my best friend. Everything is possible when we have each other. 

So that's why today, on the day I met you five (FIVE!) years ago, I'm not nostalgic. I'm not wispy and weepy and sad. I'm happy. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. And I'm thankful. Thankful that I DID meet you on that cold October night, because if I hadn't, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be the strong, confident, secure woman I am now, who will someday be his wife.

I want you to know I'm great, I'm wonderful. I'm happy and (mostly) healthy. That I'm going to change the world and be a beautiful bride and that I still like bacon on my Jimmy John's sandwiches. That I still stay up late and still wear that perfume you hated. That I don't drive a Jeep anymore, that I still don't like beer, and that I'll never, ever, ever, not for one minute, ever give up on my dreams and NEVER quit being true to myself.

I can almost see her now, that sorority girl in jeans and boots, freezing her ass off in the rain. I want to tell her to have fun, and that everything will be so much better someday. That the best years of her life haven't even begun yet. That you've got to slog through the muddy waters to get to the sunshine and rainbows.

I hope to see you again someday, my friend. I'll have a new last name by then, and a new life, but I'll still be the same old girl with a big heart and even bigger dreams.

This Kind of Love

There's never been a doubt in my mind that you were "the one." From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew. I knew you were the one I was meant to be with. There were no words spoken or gestures made, but all it took was one glance and I was yours.

I'd heard every cliché that existed about love at first site but of course never believed them. But each and every last one of them is true. The earth moves and there are fireworks and everything in the room stops and freezes except for that one person. Suddenly everything makes sense. People come and go throughout your life. They're like balloons anchoring you to the ground. You cut the string of one, it floats away forever. Some loose helium. Some stay strong. They all eventually deflate. Meeting "the one" is like someone cutting all of those balloons at once and replacing it with just one tie; something much stronger. Like you know, a steel cable. That's what happened when I met you. All of the people in my life who had hurt me, let me down, made me cry or ache or caused me pain in any way, I just let them all go. One by one, snip, snip, snip. All of those balloons floated away to someplace where I'd never see them again. The thing holding me to earth was you. My steel tie. A strong, steady Cable.

I could have told you I loved you that very night. Because I did. Maybe not as much as today, or a week after that, or 20 years from now, but I loved you.

And because I love you so much, I want to be the best person I possibly can for you. But the reality is, I'm not always happy. I have good days and bad days, and sometimes I'm sad for no reason. I've explained this to you and it makes no difference. You love me regardless.

But I don't think you quite understand. It doesn't matter if I'm mad, sad, angry, anything, you always make me happier. And you don't do anything. Well, not consciously anyways. I can be brooding, but you always bring me out of that state. Your unconditional love melts the sometimes chilly front I put up. I don't know what it is and I can't explain it either, but you can defrost me in a way no one else can. I love you for that so much more than you'll ever understand.

But everyone has that one moment where they just knew. They knew for absolutely certain that the person they're with is the one; whom they're supposed to be with forever. As I said, I've known from day one, but tonight was my moment. Tonight I knew and it was a crazy, gooey warm feeling that I felt from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes and back again.

We were dancing, to what song I can't remember, and the whole world just melted away. As we revolved slowly on the spot, you held me close to you and I nestled into your chest. We fit together like two halves of a whole. I closed my eyes and that's when I could see it.

You and I, on a dance floor. In that very position we were dancing in then. Me in a wedding dress and you in a tuxedo. A glittering spotlight illuminates us, and all of our loved ones are watching, but we're the only two people who exist in the whole world at that moment.

"I love you," you whispered in my ear and then we're back to reality. In the living room, not at our wedding.

You smiled at me and that's when I realized-we were still going to be doing this 50 years from now. We are never going to need fancy dinners, or expensive gifts, or even television to be happy. All we needed is each other and maybe a little music.

You never think you're going to get that Hollywood movie love. And when you do, it catches you off guard and it can knock you off your feet. But if you're very lucky, as I am, you'll have that Cable that keeps you grounded. And that's all I'll ever need ❤