The weight is crushing me. I'm laying down, and 40, 50 lb. dumbbells are on top of my chest, slowing pushing all of the happiness and joy out of me like a slowly deflating balloon. The storm clouds are dark as midnight, swirling around me and pouring down on top of my head, only my head. I've forgotten my umbrella. Or did I have one in the first place? I don't even know.
My entire body feels leaden. Like it's hard to move. Everything around me is kind of hazy and thick, like suddenly life is taking place underwater. That's what this feels like, though...as though I'm laying on the bottom of the ocean looking up, up, up and the tiniest pinprick of light above is the daylight. So far away it seems like a dream. I don't have the energy to swim towards it. All I can do is lay there and wonder how on earth I got to the bottom of the damn ocean.
I feel as though there is a thin plexiglass wall separating me from everyone else. I'm glad for it. I don't want my bubble burst; I don't want anyone to touch me and realize that I'm actually as cold as ice when they thought I was alive and well. Sometimes I wish I were deaf so I could go through life without having to interrupt the elaborate fantasies that take place in my head. Fantasy is much better than the real world.
When will this end? I'm so exhausted. I'm so drained. My body is like a limp noodle. Crusted to the stove and forgotten about. I'm so done with feeling this way. Over and done.
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