Why the fuck do I write all of these things at like, 5 AM? Anyways, I'm watching Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows, part une) and it's fucking awesome. Harry Potter will never cease to be awesome. When I'm 100 years old, I will still be reading Harry Potter books.
I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, but I predict that I will only get one of them done, because I won't wake up until 3 PM. That's just how I roll. I'm super productive at 5 AM, asleep by 8 AM, and awake and raring to go at 3 PM. Life rawks.
I think quite possibly there is something wrong with these sleeping patterns. No, I KNOW there is something wrong. I don't know, I guess I just function better when I'm alone and the whole world is asleep. Whatever.
I wanted to write about something profound, but my brain is full of marshmallow fluff and cobwebs. Work is taking over, slowly. I want to think about certain things, but my brain space is occupied by things like lemon wedges, table skirts, and asshole customers. Blah blah blah. Straws and napkins. Sugar packets. Aprons. Blah blah.
It's a good thing, I suppose. If I weren't thinking about mindless things like that, I'd be thinking about "why". OOhhhh, so cryptic.
But, in all honesty, I can't sit around and bite my nails and freak out about what I supposedly did wrong, or what happened, or whose mind changed (SPOILER: not mine).
Because you know what? I KNOW I didn't do anything wrong at all. Ok, maybe I was a little bit too forward. That, I will admit to. I can come on strong. I'm a grab-life-by-the-balls kind of girl; I've always been that way. But why the fuck should I have to apologize for the way I feel? Why should I have to be sorry for taking that chance and acting on feelings that I have? No one should ever have to apologize for the way they feel. No one should ever have to apologize for having legitimate feelings for someone else.
You know what, damnit, I'm proud of myself that I stuck my neck out there and took a chance. Because I would have regretted it if I didn't. Life is too short not to do exactly what you want.
And maybe I stick myself out there too much. Maybe I get my hopes up a little bit too high, maybe I take too many chances. But I've never regretted a single chance I've ever taken. I've never regretted my feelings for anyone, ever. Because that's how I felt in that moment, and in that moment, that was all that mattered. Yeah, I've had fuck-ups. Yeah, I've had bad relationships and failed ones. I've gotten my heart broken and I've hurt so bad I could barely stand it. But not once, ever, did I ever give up. And I won't ever. Maybe I'll get my heart broken again, but you know what? In the end, it's all worth it for love.
And I'm talking right to you now, sir: I care. I care a lot, actually. If you were to ask me why exactly I'm infatuated with you, the answer is simple. Because when I'm with you, it's like nothing else matters. I lose all sense of time. I could sit and talk with you for hours. Conversation with you flows as easily as water. When you look at me, I feel like the only girl in the room. I feel like it's alright to be myself around you.
Well....at least that's how it was. Lately, it feels like you've been pushing me away. And you know what? I know how to take a hint. I'm backing off. It's all business between you and me, baby. But sometimes I get little glimpses of how it used to be between you and me. And it fucking hurts. It hurts to be pushed away so fiercely when I once felt like we were getting closer.
I guess I'm more angry at myself for falling. For allowing myself to think there was a chance. For opening the door, even if it was just a crack.
I didn't see a falling star tonight, but I'm gonna wish anyways. Not for you, but for me. For love. For passion, romance, companionship. To be swept off my feet, carried away, never to look back. And if it's with you, then I'll just count that as a bonus. ;)
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