I Know it's Easy to Say, but It's Harder to Feel This Way

I really love jelly doughnuts. More than I love jelly doughnuts, do I miss actually eating jelly doughnuts. See, I'm allergic to most "berry" fruits and the ones I loved the best were the Krispy Kreme raspberry-filled ones. Krispy Kreme went out of business, and I'm allergic to the filling. Out on both counts.  That doesn't really have anything to do with anything, just an example of the random, tangled clusterfuck that is my mind.

I grew up believing that if I was good and nice and did everything I was supposed to; got good grades and went to a good school, that good fortune and good things would just naturally come my way. I would just stumble into a great relationship, have an awesome job, a beautiful house, and two perfect children. No one along the way seems to warn you that reality harshly whacks you on the ass with a two-by-four. It doesn't matter if you go your entire life without doing a single bad thing, life still likes to find ways to fuck with you. There isn't such a thing as a wholly good or bad person; fortune is just as random as the weather. It doesn't more often strike certain people than others. But the lottery, you say. Poor people always win the lottery! Yeah, but look at the facts. Statistically, people of lower income will buy lottery tickets more often than middle- and upper-middle class people. They feel like life has already dealt them a shitty hand, they might as well try and up their chances of getting a pass at good fortune. But life doesn't work that way. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people get luck they almost never deserve.

We grow up thinking that life is perfect, and there's one true love out there for everyone, just waiting to find each other, like a rom-com with Meg Ryan, circa 1994. Real life is messy. You have bills and taxes, problems, and flat tires. You fall in and out of love many, many times. And it feels like it hurts more and more each time it happens.

If life is a journey, then it's like riding a horse. Finding love is like riding a horse, backwards and sidesaddle, blindfolded, trying to hit a moving target with a bow and arrow that's 900 feet away. It isn't an exact science, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to prepare for it. People will give you tips, people will tell you to be less of this, and say more of that. Don't talk so much, or don't be so loud. Try to be more like ______. THEN you'll get a mate. But I don't know how to do any of that. I just know how to be me. Isn't that good enough?

I'm kind of terrified of everything, secretly. At the risk of sounding like I'm reading straight off the script of Dirty Dancing, I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of life, what the future holds. I'm scared of being a real adult. I can't really do anything for myself. It takes me 10 minutes to pick out my underwear in the morning; how the hell am I going to be a real grown-up?? I'm scared that what I'm studying isn't really what I'm destined to do with my life. I'm scared my dreams won't come true. But more than any of that, I'm scared I'll be alone. I'm scared I'll never love anyone the way I loved E. I'm scared I'll never have feelings for someone else the way I do with Trick. The former is much more plausible than the latter, but still.

PS, if you're itching to know what the actual Dirty Dancing quote is, (just like I was), here it is: "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you." -Baby [[Exactly, sister.]]

But on the flipside of that coin, I'm only 22. I'm not some dried-up old hag who's seen the best years of her life go by. But at this age, it seems like every time I turn around, someone I went to high school or college with is getting either engaged, married, or popping out a kid. Damn you and your constant updates of life's milestones, Facebook. But really, Facebook does exacerbate the situation. It makes you feel like a single, lonesome loser who might as well turn off the lights, put on some Air Supply, and cry yourself to sleep.

For real, though...I'm pants-shittingly terrified of what the future (even if that only means the very next day) holds. And [tiny voice] I'm scared of the rejection, deep down. I'm scared of that feeling that no, I didn't pick you, you're not good enough for me. Or sorry, someone else beat you to the punch and I'm too comfortable to get out of my current situation. Or...someone else makes me so much happier than you ever could...and I don't even want to give you the chance. Those are scary sentences.

I'd hate myself for never trying. But the fear he won't fall holds me back more than anything. Isn't that stupid? Me, the ballsiest chick of them all, is too scared to utter a sentence to someone. Someone who, I've never felt that way about anyone before. Someone who gives me the tingly chillies and warm fuzzies, someone who makes me feel like I can be myself, despite my flaws and fuck-ups. Someone that I feel accepts me for just exactly who I am. Someone that when we're together, I feel like nothing else in the whole world matters. Everything just stops for a minute and it feels like we're the only two people in the room. All of that...and he doesn't even know.



And man, I really wish he did.