Keep Holding On, Cause You Know I'll Make it Through

I just don't know anything anymore. Casey Anthony, like OJ, proved that only in America™ can you murder a member of your family and get away with it. A slut murdered her baby, yet a jury says she didn't do it. Rod Blagojevich has bad hair, is a bad liar, and is going to jail forever, perhaps. What the fuck? Jose Baez is licking his chops and cracking his knuckles with excitement. Casey Anthony winks at the cameras and that twinkle in her eye says, "got you good, fuckers!!!!" The world has ceased to make sense.

I'm angry, I'm jittery and nervous. I'm not hungry but I eat anyways. I don't know what's wrong.

Actually, I do. I'm just scared shitless of everything, and I don't want to let go of the people I cared about in the past. You know who. Well, not You-Know-Who...not Voldemort. Never mind.

I know I mean nothing to him at all. AT ALL. But he meant something to me and it's so hard to let go, really. It's a daily struggle. Wait, who am I talking about? Either/or.

I know there's supposedly a point to everything, and everything happens for a reason, but what the FUCK?

I just don't understand it right now. I know that refutes everything I've ever spewed in my writing, but right now, at 3 AM, nothing makes sense. I hate the whole world, and I want to throw things until they break. I hate whatever fates exist in the universe for bringing me to him and falling for him. What was the point?? Just to throw it in my face at 1 AM in a parking lot of a Mexican restaurant? All of that for that kind of humiliation? I don't get it. Everything hurts. It feels like being punched in the gut a million times, then no one helping you.

And E? I don't get him, either. I don't understand him as a person or understand why I spent three goddamned years of my life pining after him. I don't understand falling in love with a person only to never speak to them again. I know that was my choice, but he brought me to that decision with his own actions. I don't know what hurts more, to love someone and not be able to be with them, or have loved and lost? It doesn't matter, I guess.



I have so much anger pent up towards E. I really, really do. Three fucking years of my life I gave him. I loved him absolutely unconditionally despite all of the shit he put me through, and all of his many emotional problems and problems otherwise. I never once, EVER wavered in my devotion for him. I was there every time he needed me and more. Every time he asked me to, I drove my ass all the way to Bloomington. If he said "jump", I said "how high?" All I ever wanted to do was be with him. For real, not just between his sheets at 4 AM. And he could never give that to me. And then to add insult to injury, he fucked my friend. After I'd been nothing by loyal and kind and caring and loving to him for three. Fucking. Years. I know he never asked for it, but A) that's not the point and B) I loved him with all of my whole heart, and I wouldn't have done anything less for him at the time. I guess that's the point, you're supposed to see the beauty in a sea of ugly. But I don't want to. Right now, I just want to be hateful and childish and throw a pity party for myself.

And Trick...well, I don't really have anything to say. Well, actually, I do, but most of it is an illogical argument that I don't care to state. I liked him so much, and it seriously hurt more than he'll ever know that I made an ass out of myself by telling him I was in luuurve with him, and for him to just stand there and mumble awkwardly. I mean, what did I expect him to do? Throw his arms around me in a fit of passion and declare his undying love for me right back? HAHAHA, no. Why on earth would he do that? He has a girlfriend he never talks about is perfectly happy with. My bitterness is like a lemon wedge; small, but still there. But why should I be? I liked, I lost. Move on, right?? Except it's not that easy, cause I really liked him a whole lot. It hurts not only that I don't get to see him anymore, but that he doesn't really care that he isn't seeing me, either.
That's the very worst part.

What matters is these men I keep falling for that let me down like a stack of bricks. I don't understand what I did to deserve it. I look at other people who are happy and wonder why I'm not good enough for that. Why do I continually get shit on when everyone else gets to be happy in love with rainbows and butterflies? All I have is a cold and a billion guys who want to send me pictures of their man business. Fuck that.

EE is the only man I trust. And he's a stuffed Disney animal.

...................I'm fucked.