Breaking Up with BlackBerry

He's up in my room. I hid him up there so he won't know that I'm carrying on a clandestine internet affair. I spend hours watching videos of the new guy, browsing the online store to see what I can buy for him. All while my current one sits upstairs unsuspectingly. Just minding his own business, not knowing his end is near.

I'm talking about phones, of course.

My torrid love affair with smartphones began in the fall of 2009. I acquired a BlackBerry, and it was love at first sight. It was all sweet in the beginning. We would sit and play brickbreaker for hours on end. I would marvel at the fact that I could browse the internet via a small device in my hand. He would wake me up each morning with the sweet pings of spam email. Then, the honeymoon phase was over. We got comfortable with each other, and I began to long for something more. It became a chore to take care of him. The trackball that was once lovingly caressed by my thumb was now clogged with oil and germs. He froze all the time and his keys began to stick. I just couldn't deal with it, so I pulled the plug. Our relationship, a tender year old, had soured. We decided to go our separate ways and I upgraded to a new model.

It was like discovering that there was more than one position in which to have sex. My new Bold was everything the Curve was not. He was faster, sleeker, and best of all, no trackball! Instead, he had a smooth touchpad sensor. We have been happy thus far. He's been very good to me, and when he upgraded his software, it was like going on a second honeymoon. But yet, something still was missing. I longed for a love I once considered forbidden.

I vowed in my existence to never own an Apple product besides my iPod. I loved my iPod, but I refused to own an iPhone. But in the back of my mind, I wondered...what would life be like with an iPhone? There is a certain stigma attached to owning an iPhone. That stigma being "douche". The 'iPhone douche' is the modern-day equivalent of the nearly-extinct 'Mustang douche'. He is the guy in the bar who talks too loudly and brags about having an iPhone. He may even sport that stupid little white sticker in his rear windshield that they send you with your bundle of cords and manuals when you get an Apple product. The iPhone douche is the guy who is so convinced that his iPhone is superior to your other smartphone that he appears to be educated in nothing else but iPhone facts and stats. He actually uses the line "there's an app for that!" He may or may not have sexually explicit fantasies involving Steve Jobs. He puts too much gel in his hair and shops exclusively at Express Men.

That was then. But now, everyone has an iPhone. People who are clearly not douches. My dad owns an iPhone, for Christ's sake. They're clearly superior products. The app store has about 700 bajillion apps, some of which are damn awesome. There's one where you can turn the lights on and off in your house. There's a homework scheduler thing, there's a flashcard app, and a Netflix app. Also, Fruit Ninja. (New high score 230!!) I did not know a life existed before there was Fruit Ninja. It gives me pangs of sadness that I once felt those same feelings for Brickbreaker. Now my BlackBerry sits forlornly up in my room, wishing with all of his little SimCard that he could be relevant once more.

It wasn't an easy decision to make. I, the renown hater of Apple products has decided to acquire an iPhone. I vowed never to join the cult. But I've drank the Kool-aid, put on the Nikes. Hell, I drank the Kool-aid while I tied on my Nikes and pulled the blanket over my head. I didn't think it would ever be. But, slap my ass and call me a Thetan, cause this bitch is soon-to-be the proud owner of an iPhone!

But first, I must end things with the Bold. I think he knows it's coming. He watched today as I simultaneously played Words with Friends and kicked ass on Fruit Ninja. A tear gathered in his little screen as we took a picture with the front-facing, 5 megapixel camera of Sydney's iPhone. We didn't speak on the way home.

This is two phones I've cheated on now, and I'm not proud of myself.  But I think I've found happiness with the iPhone. I think we'll stick together. I spent too much time denying our true love for one another. At last, my smartphone has come aloooooong. Lonely days are over. And life is like an iTunes song. :)