This was supposed to be about one person. But a million things are running through my head right now.
First of all, the creep who snuck into the daycare in Indianapolis and had a private bikini fashion show is on the motherfucking national news. Goddammit. Why have we only been making the news for shitty stuff lately? First, "worst team in the NFL", now "the kook who put on a teeny tiny pink bikini and paraded around a daycare".
I sort of feel like I've had a lot of pent up anger lately. "Pent-up" isn't really the word. It's more like all-out frustration at the world in general, and not stupid problems that hippies whine about like global warming and animals being used for testing cosmetics on, just general little things that used to frustrate me on a small level, but now they make me want to dismember adorable kittens in a psychotic rage. I have utter unparalleled levels of rage for people who don't use their blinkers (this will be addressed at length in a future post). It's like I'm losing my nerve or something. Like my laid-back nature is slowly diminishing. But then again, I still don't really let stuff bother me. No, I can definitely pick my battles. Like, for example on Thursday. I COULD HAVE gotten angry that fuckhead Ginger exploded anchovies in the microwave and made the kitchen smell like filthy rotten pussy for a solid 25 minutes, but I chose to not let it fuck up my perfectly good shift. I think I'm just picking the wrong battles.
I think I'm ignoring the genuine problems and instead diffusing my anger onto lesser, more manageable problems. Like being pissed off about idiots who don't use their blinkers. Am I REALLY angry about that, or am I just pissed about Bob-o not loving me or Aqua Eyes staring at me like he wants to eat me (the good kind)? Well, I think I just answered my own question. Fuck me. Jesus. No wonder I hate everything.
It's just like, why am I good enough to flirt with, fuck, or whatever, but why am I never good enough to be your actual girlfriend? I guess some other bitch just beat me to the finish line. I guess that's the real thing that makes me want to punch through drywall. But honestly, none of that really matters, because I got a Pillow Pet in my Halloween goodie bag and that's sort of like the Neosporin on my emotional papercuts for the moment. Baby steps, eh?
But really, what else can I do but get angry about the little things I can fix? It's not like I have the power to make either of them break up with their girlfriends. Or that they'd want to of their own free will, anyways. I'm just stuck between everything, is what I guess I'm trying to say. In constant limbo. Is what I feel real or do I make this shit up in my head? And why am I ALWAYS asking myself that question??
I once told Bob-o I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for my life to happen. His reply was well, nothing's ever going to happen if you sit around and wait for it. So what the fuck do I do now that I went looking for an adventure and I have mud all over my face? Wipe it off, I suppose, but I'm going to be completely honest, it's getting old fast. And so is whining about how much being single sucks. Seriously, I'd rather be chewing a cereal bowl full of rusty nails and glass bits than be bitching that I'm fuckable but not datable. The glass is half full, but fuck me, being Little Mary Sunshine 24/7 is draining. Seriously. I think I've used up my Positive Points for the month. I need to go brood in my room under the covers for awhile now.
Also the lack of coffee is like someone directly inserting a sewing needle into my brain. Give me caffeine or give me death. They'll have to pry my Starbucks from my cold, dead hands. Gimpy liver be damned, that is the one vice I will not give up. They can have the cheese, but coffee is a battle that will be fought to the death.
So, in conclusion, I have no idea what to do about anything. Well, I can do homework, and go to work, and sleep. But everything else is just one big pile of peanuty, nougaty clusterfuck. I could probably solve the case of the Lindbergh baby more easily than I could my own goddamned life problems. Everything's just weird and I'm all jittery and jumpy (especially since I started watching American Horror Story on a regular basis...creepy shit) and I'm sore and car-less. Generally, I just need a hug. And some method of keeping the tip of my nose warm...seriously, it's numb and no other part of my body is this cold. Have they invented nose-warmers yet? A quick google search reveals that they have. Only you have to knit them yourself and they look like those hawk-beak death masks or like you have a nasal STD and have to contain it via mask. Wait, they have an entire website just for hand-knitted nose-warmers? And the shit costs $17 bucks a pop? I think I'll just stick to pinching it to try and warm it up.
I guess the moral of this story is that it's a full-time job to be jealous of other people's happiness. Well, I already have two part time jobs, which I figure equals one whole job, so I'm going to quit the fake one that involves the draining of my emotional well-being. I'll let you know how that goes. In the meantime, I'm just going to look at wedding dresses online for the imaginary wedding I'm not having. I'll keep you posted.
I'm going to round off this whole fiasco by throwing a shout-out.
ERL- we met three years ago today. I loved you then, a year from then, and two years from then. Now...we're just sort of existing peacefully in each others' lives. I do love you, but in the same way love your car after being in an accident with it (which is strangely fitting I suppose): you're bound together because you survived so much shit together. And baby, we went to hell and back twice and have the scars to prove it. You'll always be in my heart, and I'll always be there for you, no matter what the situation or circumstances. I won't break that promise. The difference is now, I'm free and I have my closure. I can come and go, if you will. I think soulmates exist, but not in the sappy, stupid way, they are the people that you love unconditionally who come into your life when you need them the most. You're a soulmate to me because at that time in my life, I couldn't have possibly loved anyone more than I did you, and I needed that so badly. You were the life preserver I needed to cling on to so badly when I felt like no one in the whole world would ever love me. I think you needed me too, but you'd never say that. I kind of worry about you, because I know you keep your problems inside, but you have my number and you know you can text me if the going gets tough. I used to say that I never gave up on you, and I guess it's good that I didn't, because if I had, we never would have reached this peaceful plateau. I'm gonna think of you today and smile, not because I'm still clinging on to some sappy memory, but because I'm finally free and whole and happy. Well, not quite as happy as I should be, but I'll be there in time. I wish you all the happiness in the whole world, and I wish from the very bottom of my heart that you'll find happiness and peace and love in your life. Any girl would be more than absolutely lucky to call you her own, and any girl that passes you up didn't deserve you in the first place. I'm fortunate I got to have you for a small amount of time. This is goodbye, in a way, to the way I used to feel about you. I felt this day would be a good day for a proper send-off. But it's never goodbye, only see you later, because I hope we'll be in each others' lives for many, many years to come. I won't ever forget you, my dear. Lots of love. -J
God, I didn't want that to be gushy and it totally was. Ahhh, sorry. Oh well.
I can't put an ending on this quite yet.
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