Saturday, October 8, 2011

An Open Letter to all the Men I Currently Have Feelings For

Title's pretty self-explanatory.

In no specific order:


  • Aqua Eyes:  I can't even believe I'm writing this. I resisted it as long as I could, I really did. I swore up and down and sideways that I wasn't going to fall for another manager. But here I am, giggling like a fucking fourteen year old every time you look my way. I don't know what it is about you; something that I can't quite put my finger on intrigues me. I'm usually pretty good at reading people, but you--just when I think I have you all figured out, it turns out there's a million more pieces to your puzzle. I know I shouldn't. I know I have to stop. Not just because you have a girlfriend, but because me and you would never happen. Plus, like I told you, you're guarded. Whether it's me, or the fact that we're employee and manager, I don't know. I have this theory that your walls are really made of butter, and you're just waiting for someone to melt them. I'm scared I'm not good enough for you to want me to push those walls away. Blame it on ERL, I say. He started it all. This one, I'm gonna chalk up to a schoolgirl crush, since we did in fact go to school together. But the eyes. You've got to quit looking at me like that. And no, I really didn't realize your eyes were like, the deepest brown. But now I can't see anything else. 

  • Ginger: First of all, fuck you. And not in the literal sense. Yeah, I wanted to. Maybe I could even see some relationship potential there. But you went and fucked that all up to hell. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I've always got one more chance for everyone. But I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty stung after you shot me down. It's not too often that I would consent to want to fuck someone, but way to make a girl feel like a loser for 1. doing the booty-calling (instead of being the booty call-ee) and 2. being attracted to you in the first place.  I don't know what's going to happen to me and you. I'm butt-hurt, to be quite honest; my pride is damaged. I thought we had a good little thing going on there, but I guess I was wrong. But that doesn't mean I don't still want your dick. Just get me drunk first, is all I'm saying. Now, let me make one thing clear. Just because I only want to fuck you doesn't mean I don't think you're good enough for a relationship. It just means my sexual attraction to you far exceeds your boyfriend potential. No offense. I'm sure you're an extremely nice dude, and I don't doubt for a second that you'd treat a girl well. But I promised myself I'd never fall for another stoner. Again, blame ERL. Plus, you said it yourself, you can't even take care of yourself, how could you possibly take care of me when I need it? Again, no offense. Plus, those soccer players get me in trouble. Speaking of...

  • Bob-o: Where do I even start with you? There's so much pain. I'm so incredibly hurt and jealous, I can barely articulate it. I was waiting for you, damnit! And then you had to go and fuck it all up with that bitch. I guess she's alright (never met her, so I don't really know) but hear this: she'll never be me. I fucking loved you. Still do. But the fact that you were texting me up until like, three days before you were officially in a facebook relationship with her, that hurts. You wonder why I asked you if I was good enough for you (that seems to be a theme, doesn't it?)? Because it seems like I was only ever good enough for you in secret. She's good enough to be your girl, but I'm not? I want to know what she has that I don't. Because I want you. I want all of you, now and always...I want to be your first choice, not your fucking consolation prize. Hear me now though: I won't wait forever. I will always love you, but I will not be some backburner bitch until you're done with her and finally decide you want me. 

  • Trick: Ahh, I saved the very best for last. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I felt like such an idiot for texting you. I don't even know why I did it. I feel like you're throwing me a sympathy bone in saying we'll hang out. You know what? I'm still in love with you. I'm so sorry, but I am. I don't think I ever fell out. It's the way you used to look at me. Like we were the only two people in the whole world. I miss that...I miss you. I miss everything about you; your silly shout of a laugh, that nose twitch you do, the way you smell. I have so much to say to you that I really don't even know what to say. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. Sometimes I'm angry. Why did you come into my life if I can't have you? It hurts so much to care about someone and not be able to be with them. It's like you're dangling in front of me, just out of my reach. You...made me feel alive for the first time in such a long time. You know my secret and you didn't judge me. I felt so safe with you; like you'd never ever let anything bad happen to me. I feel like we just missed the mark, you and me. I'm constantly wondering, what if? What it I'd just met you a few months earlier, would we have had a shot before she came into the picture? I have a quote up on my board, and it says "One cannot petition the Lord with prayer." I put that up there, in part, because I so often found myself wishing and hoping some extraordinary circumstances would occur for me and you to come together. I've tried. I've tried to put you out of my mind, I've tried to move on, tell myself you're happy with someone else. But you always manage to creep into my thoughts. I can't help it--I want to be with you. I want you to want me. I want all those fantasies that play out in my head to come true. Am I selfish in wanting you to leave her and come be with me? Absolutely. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Am I so wrong in that? Am I so wrong as to deny my heart's desire? Am I so wrong to want you to take me to dinner, to hug me like you mean it, to tell me you think I'm beautiful, to just call you up and tell you about my day? I want all of that so badly, and I know could get anyone to tell me I'm pretty or bitch to about work after a long day. But...I want you. I wish, oh I wish so badly we could have just one chance.

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