Heaven in the Morning

They say that the night is darkest just before the dawn.

And it's true, it is. The night is inky, fathoms deep black, then suddenly you look up, and there's just a splash of yellow on the horizon. All of the birds start chirping and with every passing minute, it gets lighter and lighter. The sky turns to a cerulean blue slowly, an the air becomes a little chillier. You can see the mist beginning to settle over the grass as the landscape comes into clearer focus. The cars passing on the street start to become a little more frequent. The globe is slowly revolving and turning into a new day, reminding us we should do the same.

I'm observing this now as we speak, watching the night morph into the morning. The sun will rise here at approximately 6:16 AM, Eastern Standard Time.

I sit up and straighten my back, listening to the gazillion bones in my spinal column crack and pop. Sometimes I sit hunched over for too long, and when I sit up and readjust, that feeling is wonderful. It reminds me that moving just a tiny bit can make all the difference.

No, I'm not going to connect the sun rising and my horrible posture to some grand metaphor about life. Well, not really. Just a mere commentary on the fact that I'm grateful to be alive, really. Every single sunset and sunrise I get to watch is something to behold. I can probably count on my two hands the number of times I've actually watched the sun rise. It's not something you put a whole lot of stock into until you're there, in the flesh, witnessing it happen with your own two eyes.

I can't really describe the feeling. It's like coming to your senses; coming out of a reverie. I'm usually just crawling into bed at this point. I love to be awake in the dead of the night. Nothing is the same as during the day. It's quiet in a different sort of way as when the sun is up. Everything is very still and peaceful. You can hear things you normally don't hear during daylight, like air conditioners running, crickets chirping, and frogs croaking. Of course you can hear those things during the day, but they're the only soundtrack at night. You can hear the sound of your own footsteps very clearly; the sounds are so much more visceral, so much brighter. I feel like I'm the only person in the world at night, when I'm alone, with only my thoughts for company.

The world is in a frenzied state, we're very hurried and hassled in today's world, we can't get from point A to B fast enough. We're constantly looking for a faster route, a more efficient this, a quicker that. We don't slow down until our exhausted, overloaded heads hit the pillow. Everyone is in such a constant state of needing more faster, that sleep is a welcome token; a reprieve from the breakneck speeds we insist on living our lives at.

Sleep is my enemy. I love the night, but the real reason behind me staying up when the rest of the world is in the Land of Nod is the nightmares. The horrible nightmares. They're quick, just a flash, but it's like a CD stuck on a certain part of the song, playing on repeat. I see it over and over and over again. I feel it with my body. I wake up, jolted, as though the car crashes I dream about have really happened. I force myself to stay awake to the point of being so tired that I instantly fall into a deep slumber, completely skipping the dreaming part. It usually works. But every once in a while, they'll slip onto my daydreams as if to remind me that they're never too far off, filed away in my dream memory bank.

I want them to stop. I wish they would go away, but they have me in an iron, vice-like grip. My body shakes constantly, terrified of the horrors my mind has in store for it. I can't keep doing this. My solution is a temporary one. Coffee staves off the sleep but I can't keep going like this. I just want to be released from these mental terrors that haunt me every day of my life.

It's 5:57 AM. My ass is frozen from the slab of concrete I'm currently perched on and I need just a small amount of sleep to get me through this long day. I need a hot shower and warm blankets. Even though I do my best to avoid the bed, I still need it every so often.

I'm heading back now. I wanted to watch the sun rise, but I can sense its my time to leave here, my little slice of heaven. Because once the sun is fully in the sky, it's not mine anymore. It's just a wall. So I leave now and I'll be back tomorrow when it's all mine again and the world is still once more.

Goodbye for now.