He's up in my room. I hid him up there so he won't know that I'm carrying on a clandestine internet affair. I spend hours watching videos of the new guy, browsing the online store to see what I can buy for him. All while my current one sits upstairs unsuspectingly. Just minding his own business, not knowing his end is near.
I'm talking about phones, of course.
My torrid love affair with smartphones began in the fall of 2009. I acquired a BlackBerry, and it was love at first sight. It was all sweet in the beginning. We would sit and play brickbreaker for hours on end. I would marvel at the fact that I could browse the internet via a small device in my hand. He would wake me up each morning with the sweet pings of spam email. Then, the honeymoon phase was over. We got comfortable with each other, and I began to long for something more. It became a chore to take care of him. The trackball that was once lovingly caressed by my thumb was now clogged with oil and germs. He froze all the time and his keys began to stick. I just couldn't deal with it, so I pulled the plug. Our relationship, a tender year old, had soured. We decided to go our separate ways and I upgraded to a new model.
It was like discovering that there was more than one position in which to have sex. My new Bold was everything the Curve was not. He was faster, sleeker, and best of all, no trackball! Instead, he had a smooth touchpad sensor. We have been happy thus far. He's been very good to me, and when he upgraded his software, it was like going on a second honeymoon. But yet, something still was missing. I longed for a love I once considered forbidden.
I vowed in my existence to never own an Apple product besides my iPod. I loved my iPod, but I refused to own an iPhone. But in the back of my mind, I wondered...what would life be like with an iPhone? There is a certain stigma attached to owning an iPhone. That stigma being "douche". The 'iPhone douche' is the modern-day equivalent of the nearly-extinct 'Mustang douche'. He is the guy in the bar who talks too loudly and brags about having an iPhone. He may even sport that stupid little white sticker in his rear windshield that they send you with your bundle of cords and manuals when you get an Apple product. The iPhone douche is the guy who is so convinced that his iPhone is superior to your other smartphone that he appears to be educated in nothing else but iPhone facts and stats. He actually uses the line "there's an app for that!" He may or may not have sexually explicit fantasies involving Steve Jobs. He puts too much gel in his hair and shops exclusively at Express Men.
That was then. But now, everyone has an iPhone. People who are clearly not douches. My dad owns an iPhone, for Christ's sake. They're clearly superior products. The app store has about 700 bajillion apps, some of which are damn awesome. There's one where you can turn the lights on and off in your house. There's a homework scheduler thing, there's a flashcard app, and a Netflix app. Also, Fruit Ninja. (New high score 230!!) I did not know a life existed before there was Fruit Ninja. It gives me pangs of sadness that I once felt those same feelings for Brickbreaker. Now my BlackBerry sits forlornly up in my room, wishing with all of his little SimCard that he could be relevant once more.
It wasn't an easy decision to make. I, the renown hater of Apple products has decided to acquire an iPhone. I vowed never to join the cult. But I've drank the Kool-aid, put on the Nikes. Hell, I drank the Kool-aid while I tied on my Nikes and pulled the blanket over my head. I didn't think it would ever be. But, slap my ass and call me a Thetan, cause this bitch is soon-to-be the proud owner of an iPhone!
But first, I must end things with the Bold. I think he knows it's coming. He watched today as I simultaneously played Words with Friends and kicked ass on Fruit Ninja. A tear gathered in his little screen as we took a picture with the front-facing, 5 megapixel camera of Sydney's iPhone. We didn't speak on the way home.
This is two phones I've cheated on now, and I'm not proud of myself. But I think I've found happiness with the iPhone. I think we'll stick together. I spent too much time denying our true love for one another. At last, my smartphone has come aloooooong. Lonely days are over. And life is like an iTunes song. :)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I'm Gonna Change a lot of Things, Starting with Me
I reason that I spend the majority of my complaining time on boyfriends, or lack thereof. I'm a total poster child for type-A personalities, so I'm a natural list-maker. Thus, I have compiled a list of reasons why, at this particular time, I should NOT have a mate of any sort. I think I make my case pretty succinctly, if you ask me.
REASON #1: I'm not ready to grow up.
I really should be ready to grow up. I'm 22, theoretically most people have graduated by this age, and have their first job. But I'm still dicking around in college. I've changed my major 3 different times, and up until last May, only recently had the vaguest clue of what I wanted to do. But the real problem is that I enjoy being taken care of by my parents way too much to want to move on to the next phase of my life. Being in a relationship at this stage of your life means that you're probably considering marriage, cause most people are engaged, married, or on the engagement track at this point. Or at least it feels that way. But being in that serious of a relationship means you're ready to take on adult responsibilities, and are willing and able to be responsible and take care of another person. It means you're ready to take care of a household, manage your own finances, have a big-girl job, and most importantly of all, commit to being someone's spouse. It's more than just buying a pretty dress and saying "I do". It's a lifelong bond. I take marriage extremely seriously, and the person I marry is the person I intend to be married to until death do us part. I have realized that now, at this stage of my life, I'm not ready for that level of commitment.
REASON #2: I'm not the best "me" I can be.
Back when I paid someone to listen to me bitch about my life problems, she actually dished out a few sage pieces of advice. One of the gems I've kept with me since then is "you can't find someone until you've found yourself." I know that isn't really the most awesome, amazing piece of advice ever doled out, but it's had an impact on me. I think "finding myself" has been an ongoing process for about the last 4 years now. It's amazing how well you think you know yourself, only to have your life up-ended and have to start back at square one. Just when you think you've reached the end of the road, you realize you've got about a million more miles to go. I think that self-improvement is a lifelong thing, but really knowing who you are and what you want out of life, defining boundaries and setting firm standards, those things all have finite deadlines. I've just yet to set my date. I need to figure out what I truly need to make ME happy. I need to improve my life to the point where I'm happy with the finished project. I'm a jumbled mess still in the blueprint stage right now.
REASON #3: I don't like the person I see in the mirror.
Part of being the best person you can be is liking who looks back at you in the mirror. Gerard Butler said to Katherine Heigl's character in The Ugly Truth "if you don't want to have sex with you, then who does?" Exactly. If you don't like the way you look and feel, then a guy sure as hell isn't going to like it either. Insecurity is very unsexy. I wish I could say that I'm comfortable in my own skin, but I'm not. I hide under baggy clothes and stretchy pants. I wish I were more tan. I'm terrified if I lose weight, that my boobs won't be as great as they are now. But I'm not happy with my weight. I can't get motivated to exercise, and I can't force myself to eat healthy. I reward myself with fast food, only to regret it later. It's just a cycle I don't have the energy to break. But it's the first step that needs to happen. I firmly believe that improving what's on the outside will be a kick start to improving the inside. Speaking of...
REASON #4: I'm crazy.
No, really. Actually, "crazy" is a super-offensive term to describe mental illness. But for the past couple of years, I have been battling a bone-crushing bout of depression, to the point where some days I can't even get out of bed. It comes and goes in waves. Good for a few months, bad for a few, severely bad for a week or so. I can better keep it in check during the summer. But the bigger problem is the fact I've chosen to ignore it and not seek professional help. I've tried to act like it's something that will go away on its' own, like a paper cut. But it's not something that's going to go away overnight; or any of its manifestations. I need help. I'm just too scared to receive it. Which is a problem, since I can't present myself to someone being an emotional wreck the way I am. Not because being depressed in a relationship is unacceptable, but because I could never expect my boyfriend to be my entire support system. I can't heavily emotionally rely on someone that way, nor can I expect them to put up with emotional mood swings. I need to be a strong person all of the time.
REASON #5: Every guy I meet isn't E*** L*****.
I bleeped his name out, lest he google himself once again and actually read this (he will henceforth be referred to by his initials, ERL.) He was my first love, and I've never quite gotten over him. I met him at a frat party when I was 19, and he was supposed to be a one-night stand. He evolved into the person for whom I gave my love virginity to. He means more to me than any guy ever will because of this. A girl never forgets her first anything, and I'll never forget him as long as I live. But the problem is that I didn't have my first love in high school, so I never got over him while still in high school. It just hasn't run its course yet. In my mind, I still wax poetic about him, even though we had a horrible relationship. It was never even a real relationship. More like a catastrophically dragged out hook up session. It was mentally and emotionally draining to be in love with him, and it took over my entire life. I had to leave town to get away from it all. I physically couldn't be in the same area code with him. But it was much needed, because once I moved away, I was able to gain some perspective on the situation. I still love him in a way, but the real problem is that I've done a bang-up job of convincing myself that I'll never love anyone the way I loved him. It's going to take me time to realize that's a good thing that I never will.
REASON #6: I've convinced myself I have too many skeletons in my closet.
Everyone has so-called "skeletons" in their closet; secrets they think would scare other people away. Sometimes when I evaluate my life, I feel like I have a disproportionate amount of secrets only a handful of people know about me. Granted, they are pretty hefty items, but I don't think it's anything too out of the norm. I feel like I've slept with way too many guys, I'm ashamed to admit that to potential suitors. I've also had things happen to me that are far more common than one would think. But it still makes you feel like damaged goods. And that thing....it's so hard to admit that it's happened in the first place, and it's ten times harder to realize that it's affected every aspect of your life. You don't ever fully recover from something like that. But I haven't even completely come to terms with it. I've never sat down and actually admitted it to myself, or fully recognized the repercussions of it. I know it will eventually be something I can deal with, but right now it seems like climbing Mount Everest without a handy Sherpa guide. This all leads to...
REASON #7: Major trust and intimacy issues.
As a direct result of what happened to me, I have a LOT of trouble not only trusting men, but being physically intimate with them. My dirty little secret is that I've only soberly hooked up with one person in the last 4 years. The rest have all been drunken or high encounters. I don't even know how to initiate contact with a guy anymore. I need alcohol as courage to take my clothes off. Which is so wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to start. I recognize that I have trust issues, and I grill guys and give them the third degree, which drives them off too early on. It all leads back to my point that you can't sell someone damaged goods. Guys do not want a girl who can't trust them, and who is making them sign a contract right up front. They don't want a girl who's in denial about her salad bar of problems and insecurities. And they especially don't want a girl who is going to be questioning their loyalty all of the time.
REASON #8: I'm looking too hard. Or just looking period.
I've been told more times than I can count that you don't find someone, they'll just fall into your life when it's perfectly right and when you least expect it. It's completely true. I met Jeremy when Syd dragged me over to AK's house the day after Thanksgiving. I met ERL at a party they basically forced me to go to. And those guys were right for me at that time. I'm just trying waaaaay too hard. The desperation is wafting off of me like the smell of a skunk. I keep looking in stupid places like work, bars, and online dating services. None of those work, of course. And for the people they do work for, they're the exception, not the rule. First off, you don't shit where you eat. Dating someone you work with is a recipe for disaster. You're just on top of each other, and you get sick of each other. Meeting someone in an alcohol-induced haze is never a solid foundation for a relationship. And all of the guys on dating websites are either virgins, damaged from their last relationship, or just looking for sex. I've been told so many times that I just need to focus on myself, then Mr. Right will waltz right along. Speaking of Mr. Right...
REASON #9: I still think "Mr. Right" is coming along
I'm super bad at taking my own advice (duuhh) but let me tell you that Mr. Right ain't coming, honey. Because he doesn't actually exist. I have knowingly made the most common dating mistake. I've cooked up a list of traits, Frankensteined qualities together from past dudes that I like, and slapped it all together to make some imaginary Ken doll of a man that I expect to come along and sweep me off my feet. But the truth is that men like that don't exist, and women who think they do hold themselves back because they pass up perfectly good men in their quest for the "perfect guy". You have to realize that, A-no one is perfect, and B- you yourself could potentially have qualities others don't dig, so why hate on others for their quirks? The golden rule tells us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you don't want to be judged for your quirks, then don't do it to other people. My problem is that I find one tiny thing wrong with a person, and banish them away. I also have a tall list of expectations they have to meet. I read somewhere that you should have five "non-negotiables" when it comes to dating, and that's it. Five things that guys absolutely either must or must not have. My problem is that I have like 225, not five. The more you narrow your focus, the harder it is to find someone.
REASON #10: I'm the "dog catcher".
This is what my dad calls me. I tend to scrape the bottom of the underside of the barrel when it comes to guys. My problem is that I take any and all. No one isn't welcome at my door. My standards are way too low, in addition to being too narrow, as referenced above. But the abovementioned reason contributes completely to the problem. I tend to look more at guys' credentials than their actual compatibility with me. Hence me getting involved with so many dudes who aren't right for me, hence me getting my heart broken and let down over and over again. I continually voluntarily date shitty guys who I know aren't right for me, then get shocked every time it doesn't work out. Like it was gonna be a surprise or something. And the kicker is that I know exactly the moment I meet someone if they're right for me or not. Yet I still pursue these guys even if I know they won't work out. I need to realize that it's ok to be alone.
[[Hopefully no dude actually reads this. Because it's great to have perspective on your problems, but who really wants an itemized, detailed list of everything that's wrong with a girl?]]
And all of this makes me sound really, really batshit crazy. But I'm gonna do me, and I'm gonna do it right. Next time we talk, hopefully I'll be a little bit better of a human being, thus on my way to true happiness. :)
REASON #1: I'm not ready to grow up.
I really should be ready to grow up. I'm 22, theoretically most people have graduated by this age, and have their first job. But I'm still dicking around in college. I've changed my major 3 different times, and up until last May, only recently had the vaguest clue of what I wanted to do. But the real problem is that I enjoy being taken care of by my parents way too much to want to move on to the next phase of my life. Being in a relationship at this stage of your life means that you're probably considering marriage, cause most people are engaged, married, or on the engagement track at this point. Or at least it feels that way. But being in that serious of a relationship means you're ready to take on adult responsibilities, and are willing and able to be responsible and take care of another person. It means you're ready to take care of a household, manage your own finances, have a big-girl job, and most importantly of all, commit to being someone's spouse. It's more than just buying a pretty dress and saying "I do". It's a lifelong bond. I take marriage extremely seriously, and the person I marry is the person I intend to be married to until death do us part. I have realized that now, at this stage of my life, I'm not ready for that level of commitment.
REASON #2: I'm not the best "me" I can be.
Back when I paid someone to listen to me bitch about my life problems, she actually dished out a few sage pieces of advice. One of the gems I've kept with me since then is "you can't find someone until you've found yourself." I know that isn't really the most awesome, amazing piece of advice ever doled out, but it's had an impact on me. I think "finding myself" has been an ongoing process for about the last 4 years now. It's amazing how well you think you know yourself, only to have your life up-ended and have to start back at square one. Just when you think you've reached the end of the road, you realize you've got about a million more miles to go. I think that self-improvement is a lifelong thing, but really knowing who you are and what you want out of life, defining boundaries and setting firm standards, those things all have finite deadlines. I've just yet to set my date. I need to figure out what I truly need to make ME happy. I need to improve my life to the point where I'm happy with the finished project. I'm a jumbled mess still in the blueprint stage right now.
REASON #3: I don't like the person I see in the mirror.
Part of being the best person you can be is liking who looks back at you in the mirror. Gerard Butler said to Katherine Heigl's character in The Ugly Truth "if you don't want to have sex with you, then who does?" Exactly. If you don't like the way you look and feel, then a guy sure as hell isn't going to like it either. Insecurity is very unsexy. I wish I could say that I'm comfortable in my own skin, but I'm not. I hide under baggy clothes and stretchy pants. I wish I were more tan. I'm terrified if I lose weight, that my boobs won't be as great as they are now. But I'm not happy with my weight. I can't get motivated to exercise, and I can't force myself to eat healthy. I reward myself with fast food, only to regret it later. It's just a cycle I don't have the energy to break. But it's the first step that needs to happen. I firmly believe that improving what's on the outside will be a kick start to improving the inside. Speaking of...
REASON #4: I'm crazy.
No, really. Actually, "crazy" is a super-offensive term to describe mental illness. But for the past couple of years, I have been battling a bone-crushing bout of depression, to the point where some days I can't even get out of bed. It comes and goes in waves. Good for a few months, bad for a few, severely bad for a week or so. I can better keep it in check during the summer. But the bigger problem is the fact I've chosen to ignore it and not seek professional help. I've tried to act like it's something that will go away on its' own, like a paper cut. But it's not something that's going to go away overnight; or any of its manifestations. I need help. I'm just too scared to receive it. Which is a problem, since I can't present myself to someone being an emotional wreck the way I am. Not because being depressed in a relationship is unacceptable, but because I could never expect my boyfriend to be my entire support system. I can't heavily emotionally rely on someone that way, nor can I expect them to put up with emotional mood swings. I need to be a strong person all of the time.
REASON #5: Every guy I meet isn't E*** L*****.
I bleeped his name out, lest he google himself once again and actually read this (he will henceforth be referred to by his initials, ERL.) He was my first love, and I've never quite gotten over him. I met him at a frat party when I was 19, and he was supposed to be a one-night stand. He evolved into the person for whom I gave my love virginity to. He means more to me than any guy ever will because of this. A girl never forgets her first anything, and I'll never forget him as long as I live. But the problem is that I didn't have my first love in high school, so I never got over him while still in high school. It just hasn't run its course yet. In my mind, I still wax poetic about him, even though we had a horrible relationship. It was never even a real relationship. More like a catastrophically dragged out hook up session. It was mentally and emotionally draining to be in love with him, and it took over my entire life. I had to leave town to get away from it all. I physically couldn't be in the same area code with him. But it was much needed, because once I moved away, I was able to gain some perspective on the situation. I still love him in a way, but the real problem is that I've done a bang-up job of convincing myself that I'll never love anyone the way I loved him. It's going to take me time to realize that's a good thing that I never will.
REASON #6: I've convinced myself I have too many skeletons in my closet.
Everyone has so-called "skeletons" in their closet; secrets they think would scare other people away. Sometimes when I evaluate my life, I feel like I have a disproportionate amount of secrets only a handful of people know about me. Granted, they are pretty hefty items, but I don't think it's anything too out of the norm. I feel like I've slept with way too many guys, I'm ashamed to admit that to potential suitors. I've also had things happen to me that are far more common than one would think. But it still makes you feel like damaged goods. And that thing....it's so hard to admit that it's happened in the first place, and it's ten times harder to realize that it's affected every aspect of your life. You don't ever fully recover from something like that. But I haven't even completely come to terms with it. I've never sat down and actually admitted it to myself, or fully recognized the repercussions of it. I know it will eventually be something I can deal with, but right now it seems like climbing Mount Everest without a handy Sherpa guide. This all leads to...
REASON #7: Major trust and intimacy issues.
As a direct result of what happened to me, I have a LOT of trouble not only trusting men, but being physically intimate with them. My dirty little secret is that I've only soberly hooked up with one person in the last 4 years. The rest have all been drunken or high encounters. I don't even know how to initiate contact with a guy anymore. I need alcohol as courage to take my clothes off. Which is so wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to start. I recognize that I have trust issues, and I grill guys and give them the third degree, which drives them off too early on. It all leads back to my point that you can't sell someone damaged goods. Guys do not want a girl who can't trust them, and who is making them sign a contract right up front. They don't want a girl who's in denial about her salad bar of problems and insecurities. And they especially don't want a girl who is going to be questioning their loyalty all of the time.
REASON #8: I'm looking too hard. Or just looking period.
I've been told more times than I can count that you don't find someone, they'll just fall into your life when it's perfectly right and when you least expect it. It's completely true. I met Jeremy when Syd dragged me over to AK's house the day after Thanksgiving. I met ERL at a party they basically forced me to go to. And those guys were right for me at that time. I'm just trying waaaaay too hard. The desperation is wafting off of me like the smell of a skunk. I keep looking in stupid places like work, bars, and online dating services. None of those work, of course. And for the people they do work for, they're the exception, not the rule. First off, you don't shit where you eat. Dating someone you work with is a recipe for disaster. You're just on top of each other, and you get sick of each other. Meeting someone in an alcohol-induced haze is never a solid foundation for a relationship. And all of the guys on dating websites are either virgins, damaged from their last relationship, or just looking for sex. I've been told so many times that I just need to focus on myself, then Mr. Right will waltz right along. Speaking of Mr. Right...
REASON #9: I still think "Mr. Right" is coming along
I'm super bad at taking my own advice (duuhh) but let me tell you that Mr. Right ain't coming, honey. Because he doesn't actually exist. I have knowingly made the most common dating mistake. I've cooked up a list of traits, Frankensteined qualities together from past dudes that I like, and slapped it all together to make some imaginary Ken doll of a man that I expect to come along and sweep me off my feet. But the truth is that men like that don't exist, and women who think they do hold themselves back because they pass up perfectly good men in their quest for the "perfect guy". You have to realize that, A-no one is perfect, and B- you yourself could potentially have qualities others don't dig, so why hate on others for their quirks? The golden rule tells us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you don't want to be judged for your quirks, then don't do it to other people. My problem is that I find one tiny thing wrong with a person, and banish them away. I also have a tall list of expectations they have to meet. I read somewhere that you should have five "non-negotiables" when it comes to dating, and that's it. Five things that guys absolutely either must or must not have. My problem is that I have like 225, not five. The more you narrow your focus, the harder it is to find someone.
REASON #10: I'm the "dog catcher".
This is what my dad calls me. I tend to scrape the bottom of the underside of the barrel when it comes to guys. My problem is that I take any and all. No one isn't welcome at my door. My standards are way too low, in addition to being too narrow, as referenced above. But the abovementioned reason contributes completely to the problem. I tend to look more at guys' credentials than their actual compatibility with me. Hence me getting involved with so many dudes who aren't right for me, hence me getting my heart broken and let down over and over again. I continually voluntarily date shitty guys who I know aren't right for me, then get shocked every time it doesn't work out. Like it was gonna be a surprise or something. And the kicker is that I know exactly the moment I meet someone if they're right for me or not. Yet I still pursue these guys even if I know they won't work out. I need to realize that it's ok to be alone.
[[Hopefully no dude actually reads this. Because it's great to have perspective on your problems, but who really wants an itemized, detailed list of everything that's wrong with a girl?]]
And all of this makes me sound really, really batshit crazy. But I'm gonna do me, and I'm gonna do it right. Next time we talk, hopefully I'll be a little bit better of a human being, thus on my way to true happiness. :)
Friday, June 17, 2011
I Know it's Easy to Say, but It's Harder to Feel This Way
I really love jelly doughnuts. More than I love jelly doughnuts, do I miss actually eating jelly doughnuts. See, I'm allergic to most "berry" fruits and the ones I loved the best were the Krispy Kreme raspberry-filled ones. Krispy Kreme went out of business, and I'm allergic to the filling. Out on both counts. That doesn't really have anything to do with anything, just an example of the random, tangled clusterfuck that is my mind.
I grew up believing that if I was good and nice and did everything I was supposed to; got good grades and went to a good school, that good fortune and good things would just naturally come my way. I would just stumble into a great relationship, have an awesome job, a beautiful house, and two perfect children. No one along the way seems to warn you that reality harshly whacks you on the ass with a two-by-four. It doesn't matter if you go your entire life without doing a single bad thing, life still likes to find ways to fuck with you. There isn't such a thing as a wholly good or bad person; fortune is just as random as the weather. It doesn't more often strike certain people than others. But the lottery, you say. Poor people always win the lottery! Yeah, but look at the facts. Statistically, people of lower income will buy lottery tickets more often than middle- and upper-middle class people. They feel like life has already dealt them a shitty hand, they might as well try and up their chances of getting a pass at good fortune. But life doesn't work that way. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people get luck they almost never deserve.
We grow up thinking that life is perfect, and there's one true love out there for everyone, just waiting to find each other, like a rom-com with Meg Ryan, circa 1994. Real life is messy. You have bills and taxes, problems, and flat tires. You fall in and out of love many, many times. And it feels like it hurts more and more each time it happens.
If life is a journey, then it's like riding a horse. Finding love is like riding a horse, backwards and sidesaddle, blindfolded, trying to hit a moving target with a bow and arrow that's 900 feet away. It isn't an exact science, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to prepare for it. People will give you tips, people will tell you to be less of this, and say more of that. Don't talk so much, or don't be so loud. Try to be more like ______. THEN you'll get a mate. But I don't know how to do any of that. I just know how to be me. Isn't that good enough?
I'm kind of terrified of everything, secretly. At the risk of sounding like I'm reading straight off the script of Dirty Dancing, I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of life, what the future holds. I'm scared of being a real adult. I can't really do anything for myself. It takes me 10 minutes to pick out my underwear in the morning; how the hell am I going to be a real grown-up?? I'm scared that what I'm studying isn't really what I'm destined to do with my life. I'm scared my dreams won't come true. But more than any of that, I'm scared I'll be alone. I'm scared I'll never love anyone the way I loved E. I'm scared I'll never have feelings for someone else the way I do with Trick. The former is much more plausible than the latter, but still.
PS, if you're itching to know what the actual Dirty Dancing quote is, (just like I was), here it is: "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you." -Baby [[Exactly, sister.]]
But on the flipside of that coin, I'm only 22. I'm not some dried-up old hag who's seen the best years of her life go by. But at this age, it seems like every time I turn around, someone I went to high school or college with is getting either engaged, married, or popping out a kid. Damn you and your constant updates of life's milestones, Facebook. But really, Facebook does exacerbate the situation. It makes you feel like a single, lonesome loser who might as well turn off the lights, put on some Air Supply, and cry yourself to sleep.
For real, though...I'm pants-shittingly terrified of what the future (even if that only means the very next day) holds. And [tiny voice] I'm scared of the rejection, deep down. I'm scared of that feeling that no, I didn't pick you, you're not good enough for me. Or sorry, someone else beat you to the punch and I'm too comfortable to get out of my current situation. Or...someone else makes me so much happier than you ever could...and I don't even want to give you the chance. Those are scary sentences.
I'd hate myself for never trying. But the fear he won't fall holds me back more than anything. Isn't that stupid? Me, the ballsiest chick of them all, is too scared to utter a sentence to someone. Someone who, I've never felt that way about anyone before. Someone who gives me the tingly chillies and warm fuzzies, someone who makes me feel like I can be myself, despite my flaws and fuck-ups. Someone that I feel accepts me for just exactly who I am. Someone that when we're together, I feel like nothing else in the whole world matters. Everything just stops for a minute and it feels like we're the only two people in the room. All of that...and he doesn't even know.
And man, I really wish he did.
I grew up believing that if I was good and nice and did everything I was supposed to; got good grades and went to a good school, that good fortune and good things would just naturally come my way. I would just stumble into a great relationship, have an awesome job, a beautiful house, and two perfect children. No one along the way seems to warn you that reality harshly whacks you on the ass with a two-by-four. It doesn't matter if you go your entire life without doing a single bad thing, life still likes to find ways to fuck with you. There isn't such a thing as a wholly good or bad person; fortune is just as random as the weather. It doesn't more often strike certain people than others. But the lottery, you say. Poor people always win the lottery! Yeah, but look at the facts. Statistically, people of lower income will buy lottery tickets more often than middle- and upper-middle class people. They feel like life has already dealt them a shitty hand, they might as well try and up their chances of getting a pass at good fortune. But life doesn't work that way. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people get luck they almost never deserve.
We grow up thinking that life is perfect, and there's one true love out there for everyone, just waiting to find each other, like a rom-com with Meg Ryan, circa 1994. Real life is messy. You have bills and taxes, problems, and flat tires. You fall in and out of love many, many times. And it feels like it hurts more and more each time it happens.
If life is a journey, then it's like riding a horse. Finding love is like riding a horse, backwards and sidesaddle, blindfolded, trying to hit a moving target with a bow and arrow that's 900 feet away. It isn't an exact science, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to prepare for it. People will give you tips, people will tell you to be less of this, and say more of that. Don't talk so much, or don't be so loud. Try to be more like ______. THEN you'll get a mate. But I don't know how to do any of that. I just know how to be me. Isn't that good enough?
I'm kind of terrified of everything, secretly. At the risk of sounding like I'm reading straight off the script of Dirty Dancing, I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of life, what the future holds. I'm scared of being a real adult. I can't really do anything for myself. It takes me 10 minutes to pick out my underwear in the morning; how the hell am I going to be a real grown-up?? I'm scared that what I'm studying isn't really what I'm destined to do with my life. I'm scared my dreams won't come true. But more than any of that, I'm scared I'll be alone. I'm scared I'll never love anyone the way I loved E. I'm scared I'll never have feelings for someone else the way I do with Trick. The former is much more plausible than the latter, but still.
PS, if you're itching to know what the actual Dirty Dancing quote is, (just like I was), here it is: "Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you." -Baby [[Exactly, sister.]]
But on the flipside of that coin, I'm only 22. I'm not some dried-up old hag who's seen the best years of her life go by. But at this age, it seems like every time I turn around, someone I went to high school or college with is getting either engaged, married, or popping out a kid. Damn you and your constant updates of life's milestones, Facebook. But really, Facebook does exacerbate the situation. It makes you feel like a single, lonesome loser who might as well turn off the lights, put on some Air Supply, and cry yourself to sleep.
For real, though...I'm pants-shittingly terrified of what the future (even if that only means the very next day) holds. And [tiny voice] I'm scared of the rejection, deep down. I'm scared of that feeling that no, I didn't pick you, you're not good enough for me. Or sorry, someone else beat you to the punch and I'm too comfortable to get out of my current situation. Or...someone else makes me so much happier than you ever could...and I don't even want to give you the chance. Those are scary sentences.
I'd hate myself for never trying. But the fear he won't fall holds me back more than anything. Isn't that stupid? Me, the ballsiest chick of them all, is too scared to utter a sentence to someone. Someone who, I've never felt that way about anyone before. Someone who gives me the tingly chillies and warm fuzzies, someone who makes me feel like I can be myself, despite my flaws and fuck-ups. Someone that I feel accepts me for just exactly who I am. Someone that when we're together, I feel like nothing else in the whole world matters. Everything just stops for a minute and it feels like we're the only two people in the room. All of that...and he doesn't even know.
And man, I really wish he did.
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