I reason that I spend the majority of my complaining time on boyfriends, or lack thereof. I'm a total poster child for type-A personalities, so I'm a natural list-maker. Thus, I have compiled a list of reasons why, at this particular time, I should NOT have a mate of any sort. I think I make my case pretty succinctly, if you ask me.
REASON #1: I'm not ready to grow up.
I really should be ready to grow up. I'm 22, theoretically most people have graduated by this age, and have their first job. But I'm still dicking around in college. I've changed my major 3 different times, and up until last May, only recently had the vaguest clue of what I wanted to do. But the real problem is that I enjoy being taken care of by my parents way too much to want to move on to the next phase of my life. Being in a relationship at this stage of your life means that you're probably considering marriage, cause most people are engaged, married, or on the engagement track at this point. Or at least it feels that way. But being in that serious of a relationship means you're ready to take on adult responsibilities, and are willing and able to be responsible and take care of another person. It means you're ready to take care of a household, manage your own finances, have a big-girl job, and most importantly of all, commit to being someone's spouse. It's more than just buying a pretty dress and saying "I do". It's a lifelong bond. I take marriage extremely seriously, and the person I marry is the person I intend to be married to until death do us part. I have realized that now, at this stage of my life, I'm not ready for that level of commitment.
REASON #2: I'm not the best "me" I can be.
Back when I paid someone to listen to me bitch about my life problems, she actually dished out a few sage pieces of advice. One of the gems I've kept with me since then is "you can't find someone until you've found yourself." I know that isn't really the most awesome, amazing piece of advice ever doled out, but it's had an impact on me. I think "finding myself" has been an ongoing process for about the last 4 years now. It's amazing how well you think you know yourself, only to have your life up-ended and have to start back at square one. Just when you think you've reached the end of the road, you realize you've got about a million more miles to go. I think that self-improvement is a lifelong thing, but really knowing who you are and what you want out of life, defining boundaries and setting firm standards, those things all have finite deadlines. I've just yet to set my date. I need to figure out what I truly need to make ME happy. I need to improve my life to the point where I'm happy with the finished project. I'm a jumbled mess still in the blueprint stage right now.
REASON #3: I don't like the person I see in the mirror.
Part of being the best person you can be is liking who looks back at you in the mirror. Gerard Butler said to Katherine Heigl's character in The Ugly Truth "if you don't want to have sex with you, then who does?" Exactly. If you don't like the way you look and feel, then a guy sure as hell isn't going to like it either. Insecurity is very unsexy. I wish I could say that I'm comfortable in my own skin, but I'm not. I hide under baggy clothes and stretchy pants. I wish I were more tan. I'm terrified if I lose weight, that my boobs won't be as great as they are now. But I'm not happy with my weight. I can't get motivated to exercise, and I can't force myself to eat healthy. I reward myself with fast food, only to regret it later. It's just a cycle I don't have the energy to break. But it's the first step that needs to happen. I firmly believe that improving what's on the outside will be a kick start to improving the inside. Speaking of...
REASON #4: I'm crazy.
No, really. Actually, "crazy" is a super-offensive term to describe mental illness. But for the past couple of years, I have been battling a bone-crushing bout of depression, to the point where some days I can't even get out of bed. It comes and goes in waves. Good for a few months, bad for a few, severely bad for a week or so. I can better keep it in check during the summer. But the bigger problem is the fact I've chosen to ignore it and not seek professional help. I've tried to act like it's something that will go away on its' own, like a paper cut. But it's not something that's going to go away overnight; or any of its manifestations. I need help. I'm just too scared to receive it. Which is a problem, since I can't present myself to someone being an emotional wreck the way I am. Not because being depressed in a relationship is unacceptable, but because I could never expect my boyfriend to be my entire support system. I can't heavily emotionally rely on someone that way, nor can I expect them to put up with emotional mood swings. I need to be a strong person all of the time.
REASON #5: Every guy I meet isn't E*** L*****.
I bleeped his name out, lest he google himself once again and actually read this (he will henceforth be referred to by his initials, ERL.) He was my first love, and I've never quite gotten over him. I met him at a frat party when I was 19, and he was supposed to be a one-night stand. He evolved into the person for whom I gave my love virginity to. He means more to me than any guy ever will because of this. A girl never forgets her first anything, and I'll never forget him as long as I live. But the problem is that I didn't have my first love in high school, so I never got over him while still in high school. It just hasn't run its course yet. In my mind, I still wax poetic about him, even though we had a horrible relationship. It was never even a real relationship. More like a catastrophically dragged out hook up session. It was mentally and emotionally draining to be in love with him, and it took over my entire life. I had to leave town to get away from it all. I physically couldn't be in the same area code with him. But it was much needed, because once I moved away, I was able to gain some perspective on the situation. I still love him in a way, but the real problem is that I've done a bang-up job of convincing myself that I'll never love anyone the way I loved him. It's going to take me time to realize that's a good thing that I never will.
REASON #6: I've convinced myself I have too many skeletons in my closet.
Everyone has so-called "skeletons" in their closet; secrets they think would scare other people away. Sometimes when I evaluate my life, I feel like I have a disproportionate amount of secrets only a handful of people know about me. Granted, they are pretty hefty items, but I don't think it's anything too out of the norm. I feel like I've slept with way too many guys, I'm ashamed to admit that to potential suitors. I've also had things happen to me that are far more common than one would think. But it still makes you feel like damaged goods. And that thing....it's so hard to admit that it's happened in the first place, and it's ten times harder to realize that it's affected every aspect of your life. You don't ever fully recover from something like that. But I haven't even completely come to terms with it. I've never sat down and actually admitted it to myself, or fully recognized the repercussions of it. I know it will eventually be something I can deal with, but right now it seems like climbing Mount Everest without a handy Sherpa guide. This all leads to...
REASON #7: Major trust and intimacy issues.
As a direct result of what happened to me, I have a LOT of trouble not only trusting men, but being physically intimate with them. My dirty little secret is that I've only soberly hooked up with one person in the last 4 years. The rest have all been drunken or high encounters. I don't even know how to initiate contact with a guy anymore. I need alcohol as courage to take my clothes off. Which is so wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to start. I recognize that I have trust issues, and I grill guys and give them the third degree, which drives them off too early on. It all leads back to my point that you can't sell someone damaged goods. Guys do not want a girl who can't trust them, and who is making them sign a contract right up front. They don't want a girl who's in denial about her salad bar of problems and insecurities. And they especially don't want a girl who is going to be questioning their loyalty all of the time.
REASON #8: I'm looking too hard. Or just looking period.
I've been told more times than I can count that you don't find someone, they'll just fall into your life when it's perfectly right and when you least expect it. It's completely true. I met Jeremy when Syd dragged me over to AK's house the day after Thanksgiving. I met ERL at a party they basically forced me to go to. And those guys were right for me at that time. I'm just trying waaaaay too hard. The desperation is wafting off of me like the smell of a skunk. I keep looking in stupid places like work, bars, and online dating services. None of those work, of course. And for the people they do work for, they're the exception, not the rule. First off, you don't shit where you eat. Dating someone you work with is a recipe for disaster. You're just on top of each other, and you get sick of each other. Meeting someone in an alcohol-induced haze is never a solid foundation for a relationship. And all of the guys on dating websites are either virgins, damaged from their last relationship, or just looking for sex. I've been told so many times that I just need to focus on myself, then Mr. Right will waltz right along. Speaking of Mr. Right...
REASON #9: I still think "Mr. Right" is coming along
I'm super bad at taking my own advice (duuhh) but let me tell you that Mr. Right ain't coming, honey. Because he doesn't actually exist. I have knowingly made the most common dating mistake. I've cooked up a list of traits, Frankensteined qualities together from past dudes that I like, and slapped it all together to make some imaginary Ken doll of a man that I expect to come along and sweep me off my feet. But the truth is that men like that don't exist, and women who think they do hold themselves back because they pass up perfectly good men in their quest for the "perfect guy". You have to realize that, A-no one is perfect, and B- you yourself could potentially have qualities others don't dig, so why hate on others for their quirks? The golden rule tells us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you don't want to be judged for your quirks, then don't do it to other people. My problem is that I find one tiny thing wrong with a person, and banish them away. I also have a tall list of expectations they have to meet. I read somewhere that you should have five "non-negotiables" when it comes to dating, and that's it. Five things that guys absolutely either must or must not have. My problem is that I have like 225, not five. The more you narrow your focus, the harder it is to find someone.
REASON #10: I'm the "dog catcher".
This is what my dad calls me. I tend to scrape the bottom of the underside of the barrel when it comes to guys. My problem is that I take any and all. No one isn't welcome at my door. My standards are way too low, in addition to being too narrow, as referenced above. But the abovementioned reason contributes completely to the problem. I tend to look more at guys' credentials than their actual compatibility with me. Hence me getting involved with so many dudes who aren't right for me, hence me getting my heart broken and let down over and over again. I continually voluntarily date shitty guys who I know aren't right for me, then get shocked every time it doesn't work out. Like it was gonna be a surprise or something. And the kicker is that I know exactly the moment I meet someone if they're right for me or not. Yet I still pursue these guys even if I know they won't work out. I need to realize that it's ok to be alone.
[[Hopefully no dude actually reads this. Because it's great to have perspective on your problems, but who really wants an itemized, detailed list of everything that's wrong with a girl?]]
And all of this makes me sound really, really batshit crazy. But I'm gonna do me, and I'm gonna do it right. Next time we talk, hopefully I'll be a little bit better of a human being, thus on my way to true happiness. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment